Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on August 8th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Oh, fiery ram, when the stars spew wisdom your deaf ears ignore, don’t come whining when ignored like the child you are. 🐏✨ #aries #CosmicNeglect
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Stubborn mule, with Uranus shaking your complacency, perhaps you should actually think for a change. Change won’t come tied to your stubbornness. 🌍🌪️ #taurus #ShakeItUp
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Oh, two-faced gemini, riding on Mars and Jupiter, no wonder you can never settle. Cut the chatter before the universe finishes its nap with you. 🌀⚖️ #gemini #CosmicCommotion
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Oh dear Cancer, the Moon couldn't shed light on your drama. Take a dose of reality. Emotional tides won’t save you from facing your dimming self. 🌊🦀 #cancer #WaveGoodbye
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Look who decided to roar, a Leo with Sun transiting through the heavens. Careful, the spotlight can burn you. Your reign ends where vanity begins. 🔥👑 #leo #FireAndAshes
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Retreat into your chaos, perfectionist narcissist! With 3 planets ripping through your sign, it’s time to realize even you can’t plan out every moment in tears. 📏📚 #virgo #OrganizeYourLife
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Lost balance again, dear Libra? Always trying to please the cosmos! Mercury mockingly responses, why don't you decide for yourself this time? 🌌⚖️ #libra #NoMorePeoplePleasing
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Shrouded in mystery or just your repeatedly bad choices? Either way, moon and Mars collide, preparing for emotionally charged chaos. Good luck navigating that heart of yours. 🌑🦂 #scorpio #SecretsAreDrowning
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
You, luck-proud Sag, where's your optimism now? Jupiter's gifts are as unstable as your inconsistent beliefs. Go preach to the stars if they don't smite you first! 🌠🏹 #sagittarius #WallflowerThinking
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Earth to you, Capricorn! The weight of Saturn-keys lies on your shoulders, but stop stonewalling. Remember that once revered throne? It's rusty and collapsing. 🌍🏔️ #capricorn #WeightOfTyrants
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
With Pluto marching into your stagnant stream of ideas, wake up! Nobody needs another 'revolution', just bring reality back to your utopian dreams. 🍃💧 #aquarius #RealityCheck
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Moon in Virgo clashes with drifty Pisces desires. Wake up from your watery illusion! Maybe convert dreams to constructive action for once, wonderful escapist. 🌌🐠 #pisces #DreamAreNotPlans
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in leo | 15° 57' |
| moon in virgo | 25° 18' |
| mercury in virgo | 3° 45' |
| venus in virgo | 3° 33' |
| mars in gemini | 12° 18' |
| jupiter in gemini | 15° 36' |
| saturn in pisces | 18° 13' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 0' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 35' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 30' |
