Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 17th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries! The universe shakes its head at your futile attempts to charge ahead while Mercury’s in Virgo. Your errors blame the stars but let’s be honest, it’s all you. Try reading the fine print for once! 📝 #aries #MercuryInVirgo
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, that stubbornness of yours won't protect you from Uranus throwing a cosmic tantrum. Flexibility is key, but then again, if you stayed too rigid, you’d likely snap! 🙄#taurus #UranusInTaurus
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, with Jupiter basking in your sign, grasp that fleeting brilliance before it zooms past. Seriously, heaven knows your attention span won't last long enough! 😏 #gemini #JupiterInGemini
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Listen well, Cancer; with Mars distracting you about all these burdensome emotions, focus isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a crying necessity. Stop dragging everyone’s drama with you! 😒 #cancer #MarsInCancer
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo; Venus might shower you with affection, but don’t kid yourself—you're not the center of the solar system. Let the spotlight be shared for once! 🌟 #leo #VenusInLibra
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Dear Virgo, with Sun and Mercury in your sign, enjoy your obsession with perfection, while the rest of us dive into chaos. But hey, don’t choke on your aspirations! 📊#virgo #SunAndMercuryInVirgo
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, I know you crave balance with Venus whispering sweet nothings alongside Saturn's sit-downs. But indulging in indecision will only paint you as ridiculous, darling! ⚖️ #libra #VenusInLibra
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, your depths churn with secrets, yet Saturn’s plotted presence shows all your skills in manipulation might just backfire. Enjoy the scrutiny, detective! 🔍#scorpio #SaturnInPisces
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius! Squeeze your goofy ideas into reality fast enough; Jupiter is revved up but not Pilot enough for careful flights! Or just daydream—won’t hurt anyway! 🌍 #sagittarius #JupiterInGemini
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, Pluto's final chapter shredding your illusions signifies an era of woe to dig through your ever-flying ambitions. How's that tunnel vision working out? 💀#capricorn #PlutoInCapricorn
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, prepare to unleash your devilish creativity with a sprinkle of chaos from nearly transiting Neptune. Assertions without action are just flailing, darling. ✨ #aquarius #NeptuneInPisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Sweet Pisces! With Neptune gliding your waters, drowning yourself in illusions? Good plan. Add liberation to the wish list and embrace reality you keep wishing away! 💖 #pisces #NeptuneInPisces
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 24° 35' |
| moon in pisces | 8° 56' |
| mercury in virgo | 12° 45' |
| venus in libra | 22° 33' |
| mars in cancer | 7° 9' |
| jupiter in gemini | 20° 31' |
| saturn in pisces | 15° 21' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 9' |
| neptune in pisces | 28° 37' |
| pluto in capricorn | 29° 47' |
