Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on October 26th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
🚀 A dash of recklessness under this Scorpio Sun could get you killed, not that you care. Amidst the fog of Leo Moon vanity, remember: prancing around won't save your sorry self if you don’t apply your mind. Focus or suffer, my dear ram. #aries #astrology
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
🪙 Material pleasure won’t fill the void carved by your stubborn habits, Bull. Uranus tests your status quo while the dreamy Neptune drips illusions of grandeur. Stop sniffing around like you own the world. Look at the bigger picture before your island sinks! #taurus #astrology
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
🌪️ Communication breakdown? Understandable, given Jupiter's chaotic masquerade in Gemini. Your fickle mind, sweet twin, won’t help when Mars camps out in watery Cancer. Decisions! Make them! Otherwise drown in your labyrinth of half-thoughts and excess chatter. #gemini #astrology
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
🦀 Stop drowning in emotions, you crustacean! Mars is cozying up in your sign, firing you up but laying waste to your over-sentimental side. Get a grip before you flip on those around you. The galaxy trembles with your mood swings. #cancer #astrology
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
🌟 Ah, the regal Leo basking under a sunbeam with inflated ego, but what does it yield if Jupiter directs quicksand beneath your feet? Be the ruler, not the joke. Put those self-reflecting charms of the Moon to better use rather than feasting on folly in shame. #leo #astrology
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
🔍 With Virgo's analytical spirit plagued by Mercury's dark adventures in Scorpio, you’re questioning the intentions of everyone, including yourself. Defensive much? Perfectionism won't shield you from chaos—roll with the punches, even dirt! Embrace the mess. #virgo #astrology
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
⚖️ Genius of social equilibrium, are you dizzy with indecision yet? Venus in Sagittarius is dancing in circles while unlikely jabs pierce your pretty facade. Decisions festering like an unwelcome guest—the scales are tipping, and it's your fault! Face it! #libra #astrology
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
🦂 Another troubled toxicity plummets upon you; it’s written in the stars. Both the Sun and Mercury whisper sweet nothings and cutthroat scenarios. Indulge in your dark depths, but watch your back—betrayal ticks like a clock waiting to strike at midnight. #scorpio #astrology
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
🏹 With Venus lobbing arrows carelessly in your sign, don’t get tangled in explosions of dreams! And Jupiter is merely teasing your adventurous wits. Stop philosophizing your way into dreamland, Archer. Find your footing! The real world isn’t calling just to chat. #sagittarius #astrology
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
🪨 The steady hand of time crushes under Pluto's weight in your sign. Build your empire carefully, Mountain Goat; ambition is your ally, don’t abandon it to whimsy. Embrace transformation like it’s your strongest acumen—stop brooding and start climbing! #capricorn #astrology
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
🌬️ Unfazed by the universe’s ruckus, huh? Uranus toys with your genius ideas while Neptune pours imaginary confetti on your rebellious thoughts. Get your detached self to ground, Water Bearer; nothing's as grand without action! Time to shake off the dream dust! #aquarius #astrology
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
🌊 With Neptune lurking, the tides of emotion pull at you mercilessly, Fish! Forever the dreamer, now engulfed under the barrage of Saturn paying scrutinizing visits. A cracked shell won’t win this fight! Reins in those spirits, lest you drift aimlessly! #pisces #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 3° 3' |
| moon in leo | 22° 2' |
| mercury in scorpio | 18° 46' |
| venus in sagittarius | 9° 53' |
| mars in cancer | 26° 34' |
| jupiter in gemini | 20° 52' |
| saturn in pisces | 13° 3' |
| uranus in taurus | 26° 7' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 37' |
| pluto in capricorn | 29° 41' |
