Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 25th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Well, aren't you the adventurous fool with both Sun & Mercury in your sign! Go chase your dreams, but let's not forget that delusional optimism only gets you so far. 🚀 #astrology #horoscope #sagittarius
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Putting the microscope on others while your life's a wreck isn't wisdom, it's just pathetic. Get this: your distress forecast is high thanks to the Moon up your rear. 🔍 #astrology #horoscope #virgo
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Venus in your sign won't fix that cold, hardened personality of yours. Romance and ambition don't mix, try actually caring for once, you soulless goat. 🐐 #astrology #horoscope #capricorn
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars situated in hot-headed Leo means you're irritable, attention-seeking and probably entirely full of yourself. Check that ego before you get burned, sunshine. ☀️ #astrology #horoscope #leo
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Jupiter stewing in your sign, it's time to expand your head full of empty chatter. Just remember: everyone unfortunately isn't your audience. 🤷♂️ #astrology #horoscope #gemini
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn oppressing you is only fitting for that dreamy escapism you thrive on. Reality's calling, swimming beauty—better answer before it dives deeper! 🌊 #astrology #horoscope #pisces
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus shaking things up in your sign might make you actually reconsider that stubborn clay you call your life. Change isn't the end! (Just your excuse to eat more.) 🐂 #astrology #horoscope #taurus
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto swaggering around your sector only adds a hint of chaos into your already chaotic existence. Good luck dealing with your self-invented explanation of world's ills. 💨 #astrology #horoscope #aquarius
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
You fiery martyrs need to chill a bit! Not everything is about your eternal struggle. Your reckless energy is best kept away from sharp objects. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope #aries
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Emotional turmoil is getting dyed worse as those feels are ruled by a vague sense of dread from the Moon hanging in Virgo. Good luck sorting through that clutter, Crybaby. 🤦♂️ #astrology #horoscope #cancer
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Charming isn't fair if you don't even believe it yourself! Venus is your distraction from true love, so flirt away, romance champion! Your heart's in a frigid selfie-mode. 🎭 #astrology #horoscope #libra
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
With your spine tingling with curiosity—but nothing beats mars in Leo temptation—that's blood on what used to be dreamy canvases. Don't say you weren't warned. 🐍 #astrology #horoscope #scorpio
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 3° 12' |
| moon in virgo | 24° 25' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 22° 34' |
| venus in capricorn | 15° 41' |
| mars in leo | 5° 15' |
| jupiter in gemini | 17° 58' |
| saturn in pisces | 12° 46' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 54' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 10' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 5' |
