Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 17th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
You ever-so-serious Capricorn, with the sun in Sagittarius, I suppose you think you'll suddenly become fun-loving? 😂 Wake up to the reality that your spark just got smothered. Stuck behind your own little boulder— #capricorn #astrology
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pour yourself another glass, Aquarius. With Venus in your sign, it's all about love that feels more artificial than a plastic flower. Enjoy your synthetic romance. What a drag! 🙄 #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune's taken a stroll through your sign, dear Pisces, fueling your mischief with cloudy dreams. Maybe invest in a foghorn—you’ll need it to shipwreck all your damp hopes. 🔮 #pisces #astrology
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Hey Rams, with this Mars position, your enthusiasm is but a flickering ember. While you'd love to be charging ahead, the universe says take a moment to breathe—those head-butting sessions may need a timeout! 🐏 #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus must be laughing in your face, Taurus. Silent chaos is rocking your very foundation. Might want to tighten those comfortable shoes; those steady paths are anything but certain now! 🌪️ #taurus #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, talk about an identity crisis with Jupiter blending its truth in your sign. You're flapping your mouths while Saturn's whispers beg you to focus. Personal growth? Good luck keeping that twin of yours in check! 🤷♂️ #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, the moon’s whisper may soothe you tonight, but be warned: sap-filled dreams will just lead back to tears over spilled milk. Ever thought emotions aren’t your employee? Learn to fire them! 🌊 #cancer #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Expect your royal flair to come crashing down, Leo! Mars may push you into the spotlight, but it seems the audience is deaf to your fabulous roars. Spare us your drama, you're just playing tea party! 🍵 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Meticulous Virgo. Mercury lingers in the questionable line between blind optimism and critical analysis. Why are you concerned about bigger realities when you can obsess over laundry numbers? Get a grip! 🧺 #virgo #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, with Venus in Aquarius, back to bartering in love like mere commodities, eh? How quaint. Better make sure your heart can provide adequate refunds for those hasty investments! 💔 #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, but what can Pluto possibly squeeze from toxicity while it looms at the start of Uranus? Dig deeper, if trust is as distorted as your signals. Marrying suspicion might become oh so boring… 🕵️♂️ #scorpio #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Your optimism might bubble forth with the Sun nestled even snugger in your sign, Sag. However, if the bull with horns misses the moderator, your wild reservations will may just crash poorly into reality's door. 🚪 #sagittarius #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 25° 31' |
| moon in cancer | 16° 39' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 6° 29' |
| venus in aquarius | 11° 8' |
| mars in leo | 5° 29' |
| jupiter in gemini | 15° 1' |
| saturn in pisces | 13° 33' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 4' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 9' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 37' |
