Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 20th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
How cute. You're feeling all fiery with Mars enlightening your actions. But here's a tip: don't burn the bridge before you've crossed it. You might just end up stranded on the other side. 🔥 #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With Uranus shaking things up, don't get too comfortable, you stubborn bull. Change is coming whether you like it or not. So grab your soul like a prized cow and adjust. 🐂 #taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter’s influence is stretching your intellectual wings, but don’t flatter yourself too much, Twin. Your ideas are drier than a parchment scroll from the ancient days. 🪄 #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
The moon's power brings out feelings you’ve buried deeply, Crab. So congratulations, you're now rolling in your own tears. Enjoy the emotional quagmire! 🌊 #cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The drama you’re capable of! Mars in your sign is fueling your ego while the moon watches. Just try not to set anything ablaze in your quest for the spotlight. ✨ #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Now might be the time for you to put down the needle and thread of overthinking, Maiden. Mercury’s messing with your plans because perfection doesn't curse prophets... even if you think it does. 🔧 #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
With Venus stirring your emotions, you might feel uplifted, but who are you kidding? Your love life is still a nauseating tangle. I'm almost impressed! 💔 #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Neptune's jazzy illusions won’t help your jealousy any. You’ll morph into a deranged monster if you let your paranoia fester eagerly, Scorpion. Get a grip! 🦂 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
The charm of that Sun shining distance gives you confidence, but stop galloping. You might fall flat with mercury taunting you about all things fact. Buckle up! ☀️ #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Beware the temptations that Saturn scattering around your ambitions, Goat. Stop ramming hard into obstacles that outsmart you every time! Wall clearing isn't your strong suit. 📈 #capricorn #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
With Pluto forcing its will beneath your whimsical ideation, synapses might start snapping! Just a thought: reality check before you lead your fellow peasants astray, Water Bearer. ⚡️ #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
It's all roses with Neptune washing over your sensitivities, but unfortunately...you’re only dreaming. Get off that cloud and see life! Here’s a tip - drown in solace. 🌫️ #pisces #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 28° 35' |
| moon in leo | 26° 2' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 7° 40' |
| venus in aquarius | 14° 31' |
| mars in leo | 5° 0' |
| jupiter in gemini | 14° 38' |
| saturn in pisces | 13° 43' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 58' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 10' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 42' |
