Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 28th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, under the suffocating weight of the Sun in your sign. Your ambition will be as wearying as a wretch scuttling through mud. Slowly, surely? Or just slowly? Time will tell... #capricorn #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, your moon is flailing in the winds of something deeper. Stop chasing rainbows and face the harsh truth of adventurism leading you nowhere. Get a grip! #sagittarius #astrology
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, with Venus dripping sweet nothings in your sign. Sure makes up for your stellar social disaster, right? Emotional whirlwinds don’t exactly scream 'stability'. Good job, Genius! #aquarius #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Burn, Leo, burn! Mars in your realm means passion—but don't mistake your flames for warmth. Excess is still excess, even in your never-ending performance. Tone it down, for heaven's sake! #leo #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, Jupiter's meddling in your head right now means confusing highs and lows—like a circus kettle! Control your erratic twins, or risk becoming the king of absurd mess! #gemini #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn contortedly meanders through Pisces, casting murky shadows on your thoughts. Reality sings, but you drown it out with fantasies. Wake up, fish—nothing's as nice as it seems! #pisces #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranus bends your comfort zones, shocking you right out of complacency. Adapt or flounder. Your cow-like resistance won't cut it when the world's swirling madly. #taurus #astrology
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries! Such fire within you, and yet… exactly where’s your focus? Mars whips up passion but forgets to give you direction! Fetch it, brave one—before you combust aimlessly! #aries #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, dear... with the Moon shimmering low, your feelings rub at your vulnerabilities. Wrap them up tight, you emotional hermit—external pull throughout the ether isn't your BFF. #cancer #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, cherish the gift of perfectionism with your nagging Mercury. It crackles, prattling endlessly inside your brain like a skeptical crow. Productivity or paralysis? You choose… #virgo #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, balance that overwhelming chaos! Venus and disillusionment dance chaotically, reminding you harmony is but a fleeting dream. Another tricky dance shattered behind your facade. #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, bring your mesmerizing chaos to light. The cosmos revels in your mystique, while mysterious Taurus's behest lures and entangles those drawn to your shadowy magic. What will you choose? #scorpio #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 6° 44' |
| moon in sagittarius | 2° 10' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 14° 58' |
| venus in aquarius | 23° 22' |
| mars in leo | 3° 8' |
| jupiter in gemini | 13° 39' |
| saturn in pisces | 14° 13' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 44' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 14' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 56' |
