Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on January 1st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, hoarding ambition like a dragon. With both your Sun and Moon square in your stubbornness, don’t choke on that career ladder you’re so keen to climb. #capricorn #astrology 🌌⚡️
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Listen up, Aquarius. Attracting chaos like moths to a flame with Venus sparking fires in the cerebral aqua-dome. Good luck keeping your detached chill in this chaotic tempesto! #aquarius #horoscope 🎆🌀
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, your dreamy ways wouldn't get you through a puddle this week. With Neptune and Saturn treading water together, it's time to wake up before you drown in your sorrows. #pisces #astrology 🌊🔮
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries, stop that impatience! Mars is heating you up again, but try not to burn your bridges… you’ll need a path back when all your tantrums catch up with you. #aries #horoscope 🔥🐏
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, you loyal bull, the Earth has you in its grip this week more than ever, thanks to Uranus all flustered in your fields. Afraid change might tip your cozy home off its pedestal? #taurus #astrology 🌿🚧
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Hey Gemini, the filter on your mouth? Yeah, Mars is then risked if you let out those verbal grenades this week. Play nice or the storm could rearrange your delicate twin nights. #gemini #horoscope 🌪️🗣️
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, the Moon is feasting on your feelings while Jupiter has a lurking spotlight on your emotional needs. Balance a bit of self-care without drowning in your self-pity. #cancer #astrology 🌙💧
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, strut like you own the stage! Mars energizes your ego; keep that roaring lion from stepping on weak backstage crew, else you could create some paradigm chaos! #leo #horoscope 🌟🦁
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, both mercurial influences warp your efforts; mere perfectionist pursuits won’t carve the satisfaction you wish for. Now roll up those sleeves and TOIL for perfection. #virgo #astrology ♍️🛠️
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, love birds’ paradise, Venus laughs unstoppably! Odds may have to swing. Are you betting your sight for beauty enough or you're merely stuck in indecision? #libra #horoscope 🎲⚖️
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, you venomous thing; Pluto cooks some secrets behind that scaly hide of yours linked to your goals. Make sure to decipher that labyrinth before it swallows you whole! #scorpio #astrology 🦂🕵️♂️
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, mercy! Tentative wisdom reveals layers beneath Mercury's course this week, but what alien philosophy have you inhaled? Ground it before your thoughts spiral into oblivion. #sagittarius #horoscope 🌌🎯
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 10° 48' |
| moon in capricorn | 23° 54' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 19° 52' |
| venus in aquarius | 27° 42' |
| mars in leo | 1° 55' |
| jupiter in gemini | 13° 12' |
| saturn in pisces | 14° 31' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 38' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 17' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 3' |
