Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on January 7th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, thinking hard enough to drown a cow in your own misery, while Venus in Pisces just whispers sweet lies of love. Don't mistake Pisces for clarity—it's just a colorful fog. 💔🐋 #Capricorn #astrology
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Listen up, Aquarius. Pluto’s creeping in your sign like that annoying fly at a feast. Embrace your oddness, but please spare us the lecture on fixing the universe. You’re not the messiah—just a glorified rebel. 🚫🦸♂️ #Aquarius #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Venus brings you scraps of love, but Saturn shows there’s a limit to delusion, even in your dreams. Beware the siren songs, for they won't pay your bills! Dive back to reality... pessimism transforms! ☁️💡 #Pisces #astrology
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries, the Moon might give you a fleeting care for feelings, but your reckless desires will throw you into chaos faster than the ink can dry on this reading. Control your passions or suffer through the tumult. 🔥⚡ #Aries #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Well, Taurus, Uranus shakes you hard. Better get used to the unexpected, or your carefully curated world will tumble pending! Render attempts for normalcy futile! 💥🙄 #Taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, Jupiter's push makes you think you’re cleverer than a cunning little fox. Newsflash: most people will swallow your nonsense, but facade wears off amidst dull conversations. Choose wisely! 🦊💬 #Gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, Mars wants to provoke your emotions into a frenzy — enjoy this chaotic ride of neediness. Society will either adore or abhor...Make peace with both before plunging! 🚀✊ #Cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo! Mercury’s mischief beckons you to roar, but hold your tongue lest you overestimate weight your words carry. Bullheaded just acts foolish. Complaints don’t build glittering crowns! 🎪🦁 #Leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, Saturn sweetly coaxes your sensibility while present situations scream for organization — uniaquality is key! Quit complaining and writing everyone else's faults—pace yourself! You're overly fussy. 📜🙄 #Virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, revel in Jupiter’s positive vibrations while others drown. Extensions to adventure? Who’s playing games with your head? Choose your motions wisely — otherwise, mediocrity suits you well. 🎡🎭 #Libra #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 16° 55' |
| moon in aries | 16° 57' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 27° 58' |
| venus in pisces | 4° 3' |
| mars in cancer | 29° 47' |
| jupiter in gemini | 12° 37' |
| saturn in pisces | 15° 0' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 30' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 15' |
