Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on January 17th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, bask in your 'excellence' while the stars mock you. The Sun's merciless glare at 27° urges restraint, not enrichment. 🎭: No one wants a cranky old god demanding more sacrifices. #horoscope #astrology
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto at 1° in your realm, Aquarius! A wake-up call or merely the universe having a laugh? You'd better reshape your ideals before you too end up an ancient relic.🔮 #horoscope #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
With Venus spreading lovey-dovey nonsense at 14°, wake up, Pisces! Do you really want to drown in fantasies while the real world storms rage? 🐋 #horoscope #astrology
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Busybody Mars in Cancer might confuse you, Aries. Your fiery logo isn't crying over emotional soup now, is it? Get it together or be swallowed whole by your feelings! 🔥 #horoscope #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus in your territory at 23° is dimming your shine, Taurus. Change isn't just threatening; it’s arriving, whether you like it or not! Decisions await, or you'll be trampled! 🦙 #horoscope #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter ruling over your القَصْر reduced to tiny whispers at 11°. Expand your horizons, not just gossip, before you drive yourself to madness—and you thought Mercury in retrograde was a problem?! ⚡️ #horoscope #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Delusions, Cancer, with Mars retreating into your emotional quagmire. Feelings flood in at 25°. Enjoy that cozy denial while it lasts. That's right—keep your head in the sand! 🌊 #horoscope #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Attention! With no planets unleashing cosmic clichés here, Leo, you've combusted into a black hole of ego and despair. Dare to forge your own existence, or wrap yourself in more shiny distractions. 👑 #horoscope #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
With the Moon dimmed and moody at 3°, Virgo, stop nitpicking every scar of the universe. Your perfectionism is all noise and no peace. Clarity is a myth; just look around! 🌟 #horoscope #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Saturn trundling through murky waters at 15° is giving Bida memories of crushed hopes, Libra. Wishy-washy back and forth doesn't help—even those cosmic scales couldn’t balance this mess! ⚖️ #horoscope #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio! With inner turmoil from the nearest heavenly overlord and brave oblivion upon you, stand with darkness! You either fight against your shadows or dwell utterly in the void. Good luck with that. 🦂 #horoscope #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Broad strokes will not fit this narrow-minded spacing, Sagittarius. With passions muted, your desires ebb and flow. Time to embrace that burn and travel beyond your curated portals of truth! 🔍 #horoscope #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 27° 6' |
| moon in virgo | 3° 46' |
| mercury in capricorn | 12° 35' |
| venus in pisces | 14° 7' |
| mars in cancer | 25° 51' |
| jupiter in gemini | 11° 51' |
| saturn in pisces | 15° 53' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 20' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 35' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 34' |
