Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on January 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
The irony! You're trapped in a cage of dreams, while... WHAT? The moon in Sagittarius reminds you that wishes don't sprinkle fairy dust. Get a grip! #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
You're swimming in delusions fueled by Venus. Quit fantasizing about a fantasy life, reality is waiting with a harsh slap! #pisces #astrology 🌊✨
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Forget being bold. Mercury in Capricorn ensures you're a cautious lamb in a field of wolves. Wake up and smell the burnt rubber before you get run over! #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Stewing in complexity while Uranus trips you up. Life isn’t a comfy chair! Get off your behind and stop whining about the uncomfortable seat! #taurus #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Jupiter giving you false hopes, it's time for a reality check! Extravagance only leads to debts here, darling! Grow up or grow old! #gemini #astrology 🪙💸
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars in your sign makes you think you can armor up! Instead, you're just a grumpy child throwing tantrums. Control your moods before you become a full cliché! #cancer #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The sun's in Aquarius, and look at you whining for the spotlight like a neglected housecat! The universe doesn’t owe you anything today, dear drama queen! #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury influences have you buffing the edges of others while your own mess becomes a catastrophe. Clean your own rotten apples before commenting on every worm! #virgo #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
With Venus in Pisces glamourizing fantasies, stop idealizing your nonexistent ‘perfect’ relationships. Filter those rose-tinted glasses before you collide with reality! #libra #astrology 🎭
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Saturn in Pisces is gossiping behind your back. Try mixing a little compassion with that inevitable revenge of yours; bruised egos could learn something! #scorpio #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon in your sign holds you captive in joyless freedom. Stop dodging the truth to go on some ridiculous quest. Home is where the mess is, confront it! #sagittarius #astrology ☀️🌌
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Mars is virtue signaling success as you feel utterly stuck in mediocrity. Seriously, stop pretending to climb Mt. Impossible when your reality is just an uphill sleep! #capricorn #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aquarius | 6° 16' |
| moon in sagittarius | 22° 38' |
| mercury in capricorn | 26° 35' |
| venus in pisces | 22° 25' |
| mars in cancer | 22° 25' |
| jupiter in gemini | 11° 25' |
| saturn in pisces | 16° 47' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 16' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 48' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 51' |
