Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries. Venus turning up in your sign, yet here you are, you impulsive matador, still chasing fiery sparks with your typical rashness. Try not to burn down the world today, things are dry enough! 🔥💔 #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus continues its whims in your house of stability, Taurus. If only you could stay solid while the universe flips its tables on you! Stop clinging. Even metal rusts eventually. 💎💥 #taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter is humorlessly grinning in your sign. Spill your thoughts before they guffaw at your ongoing scatter-brain routine. Let’s see you make sense if you can! 🌀🐦 #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars struts confidently through your domain, Cancer. Are you going to festoon a kitchen towel around your waist like a warrior? Please, screaming wins no disputes! Grasp some sense. 🏠💪 #cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, the sun of the zodiac slumbers in Pisces. Reflect deep and contemplate your melting ego; is there more to life than your self-centered performance? Take off the goddamned crown! 👑🐟 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
With the moon muddling through Aquarius, Virgo, get ready for a surge of impotent rebellion against all your better instincts. Of course, brewing chaos is inherently fashionable for you. Step aside, fractals! 🤔📉 #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Benighted Libra, do you think Venus' dalliance in Aries is coming to save your sense of balance? Ha! Sailboats capsizing wouldn't inspire you half as much! Build a raft but weigh your expectations. ⚖️🛶 #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
The cosmos are laughing at your attempts to pry secrets from the night, Scorpio. Mars grips your mood like a predator! They'll only pry back, you know! Don’t twist that knife you fool. 🦇🔍 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter makes your dreams flash like morose fireflies, Sagittarius. Enough burying heads in the clouds! Do you wish to fight the whole world in a singular moment or find your polished will? 🌌💫 #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn, the illustrious overlord, frowns again upon your duties, Capricorn. You wanted a pathway? Didn’t you gather the laughs like sandcastles? So for heaven's sake, be the grim taskmaster you really are! 📏⛰️ #capricorn #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto is DNA-evolving your ideas on self, Aquarius. You think the masses can put the clowns into action just because you commandeered a non-cordial bath? How delusive! Gorgeous rebels must bare some weight without floating awry. 🔮👽 #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Massive influx from Neptune unleashing upon delicate Pisces! Congratulations! Dreams morph like ambrosia under pitchers; undeserving life translucent and trickled out! Such festivity deserves your love and logic, oh chance dancer! 🐰🌠 #pisces #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 7° 38' |
| moon in aquarius | 10° 34' |
| mercury in pisces | 21° 8' |
| venus in aries | 10° 30' |
| mars in cancer | 17° 2' |
| jupiter in gemini | 12° 3' |
| saturn in pisces | 20° 19' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 33' |
| neptune in pisces | 28° 47' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 48' |
