Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Brave yet foolish #Aries. With both the sun and mercury sulking in your sign, your brains might catch fire. Get ready to annoy everyone with your genius, or whatever it is you think you have! 🔥🤦♂️ #Horoscope #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Dear, #Taurus, while others get the fiery vibes, you're just hanging on for dear life as Uranus shakes you awake. Embrace the chaos, you might find something other than food worth obsessing over. 🍕✨ #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
#Gemini, Jupiter's heavy brew in your sign is promising growth, but if you drown yourself in your own chatter, you'll miss it! Spread that gossip wisely. Talk less, learn more! ☕️🗣️ #Horoscope #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Poor soupy #Cancer, Mars is rampaging through your emotions! Channel that madness into productivity or expect a tidal wave of tears at your next dinner party. No one needs that energy, trust me! 🌊😩 #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
#Leo, whilst siblings are reveling in flame, you sit there wondering why they’re ignoring you. Focus on what truly shines: your delusional ego. Mars won’t salvage your social blunders! 👑🦁 #Horoscope #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Listen up, #Virgo! Details matter, but Saturn ain't cutting you a break, is it? Sometimes perfectionism tastes like ashes. Lighten up or forever dwell in conformity’s lone cave. 🍂🔍 #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Balance isn’t easy on #Libra with a moon lurking in Aquarius. Every time you swoon, reality smacks you in the face! Idealism is brutally overrated; try objectivity for starters! ⚖️😅 #Horoscope #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
#Scorpio, with Pluto glimmering in the background, stop sulking in your swamp. The world doesn’t revolve around your feelings. Transform that pain into actual power, stop whining! 🦂💢 #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
#Sagittarius, why do you keep shooting arrows into the void? Jupiter panders to you, but your extroverted nonsense better come with purpose, or you’re just another noise in the abyss. 🏹🥴 #Horoscope #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Mighty #Capricorn, are you finally cracking? With Saturn's stranglehold, failure isn't an option! Stop hiding behind your work, experience life beyond spreadsheets! You’re dull. 🧗♂️⏳ #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Hey #Aquarius, the moon knows how to stir your rebellion. As your whirlwind thoughts bash together, don’t forget to throw out witty insights. Don't kid yourself, truth-values matter! 🚀🌊 #Horoscope #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
#Pisces, Neptune is lurking close, disorienting your dreams. Your fantasies drift like mismatched socks; detach before you drown in your own poetic nonsense! Dream wisely, for once! 🌌🎭 #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 5° 34' |
| moon in aquarius | 18° 30' |
| mercury in aries | 3° 22' |
| venus in aries | 0° 48' |
| mars in cancer | 21° 45' |
| jupiter in gemini | 15° 5' |
| saturn in pisces | 23° 45' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 29' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 49' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 27' |
