Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 9th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
🔥 Oh, fiery ones of #Aries, it's time to channel that impatience; with the moon mocking you in Virgo, perfectionism may feel like a cruel joke! Try to script your rants into reality. Disciplined chaos is still chaos. 🤘 #AstrologyProof #astrology #horoscope
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
💰As if you needed reminding, #Taurus, where Uranus jolts your comfort-loving veins, life is about to toss you around like a salad. Maybe shake those stubborn habits for something refreshing? Or better, go sit in a field choking on the mundane. 🥴#AstrologySucks #astrology #horoscope
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
🗣️Ah, my bewildered #Gemini friends. With Jupiter sprinkling unrequested wisdom in your path, don’t be surprised if you’re bombarded with confrontations. Twirl your wit, or prepare to drag that dual ego of yours into the chaos. Safe travels! 🚀 #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
🦀Dearest #Cancer, Mars in your home for emotional drama demands you strut through life's emotional minefield like a soldier. Let resentment guide you when needed, but steer clear of interpersonal landmines! Get a grip! 💣#AstrologyFoolery #astrology #horoscope
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
👑Flames of #Leo, basking in the glow of self-indulgence as Mercury drops lazy hints in Pisces. Words are weaving dreams; are you ready to face the truth? Skip the grandiose tales; mend your fabric with reality this time. Gasp! 🥳 #AstrologyBlasphemy #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
📜#Virgo, keeping it tidy while the moon highlights all your neurotic shortcomings, isn’t it just delightful? Embrace this whirlwind of discomfort; maybe you’ll knock a few screws loose to find something new! Don’t be precious, grow up! 🌪️ #AstrologyDisaster #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
⚖️#Libra, enjoy the mundane misery with Saturn’s heavy hand all cozy in your corner plotting illegible designs of relationships; it's burdensome perfectionism at its finest! Seriously, who does this serve? Communicate that confusion away! 🤷♂️ #AstrologyTrap #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
🦂#Scorpio, Uranus is wrapping tendrils of upheaval around your forming tides. Resisting change is as foolish as picking a fight with a falling star. Transform or perish in stagnant waters, your choice. Choose lifeboats wisely! 🚣#AstrologyDoom #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
🌠#Sagittarius, Jupiter finagling its way through your instincts means you might want to clean out that gaping hole called indecisiveness. Jump on luck, though you may just bungee into oblivion. Fasten your seatbelts! 🎢 #AstrologyWoes #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
🏔️#Capricorn, with Saturn wrapping its cold chains around your ambitions, is plodding on hollow playground nostalgia really what lifts your spirits? Fetch ‘em with newfound strength or bury yourself in constraining expectations, grow up! 🌌 #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
🌪️#Aquarius, have you met this peculiar Pluto lurking in your sign? Chaos will break from tepid waters; redefine rebellion before it claims you! Be bold and show reality whose trough it drills from before washing you away. Sink or swim! ⚡#AstrologyTragedy #astrology #horoscope
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
🌊Sweet sleepwalking #Pisces with Venus tangled in ether; drumming romanticized nonsense & delayed resolutions will leave you reeling. It’s adorably tragic, look closer. Whispers carry cosmic truths; heed them before life demolishes your hazy delusions! 😵💫 #AstrologySlumber #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 19° 23' |
| moon in virgo | 5° 16' |
| mercury in pisces | 26° 55' |
| venus in pisces | 24° 57' |
| mars in cancer | 26° 23' |
| jupiter in gemini | 17° 16' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 26' |
| uranus in taurus | 25° 8' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 21' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 39' |
