Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 16th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
A blazing fire of impatience ignites as the Sun graces your sign. You may think you’re invincible, but remember, 'fools rush in.' Strive for clarity instead. 🌟 #Aries #StupidDecisions #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus keeps shaking your foundations, making life unpredictable for you stubborn beasts. Embrace new changes or get crushed by your own rigidness. It’s your choice. 🌪️ #Taurus #StuckInYourWays #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter is whispering in your ear, promising fortune, but don’t choke on your own words, Gemini. Not every thought needs to come out; some things are better left unsaid. 🤐💭 #Gemini #TMI #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars is making you feel defensive and angsty, you emotional creatures. Chill out. It’s alright to put your walls down , not every intimacy is a disaster waiting to happen. 🛡️ #Cancer #EmotionalNonsense #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
With that Moon in Scorpio, things seem murky. Watch out for secrets, dear Leo. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Yours could be the ’leading character’ in an incredibly bad drama. 🌑 #Leo #Overdramatizing #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury finalizes its tour through the watery depths of Pisces, but your frantic searching for order only underscores your anxiety. Solutions won’t flow like a river; analyze or drown! 💧 #Virgo #PerfectionStruggles #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus basking in Pisces adds layers of confusion to your so-called 'relationships.' Don't let mere illusions lead the way; maybe being alone isn’t such a bad thing. 🎭💔 #Libra #HeartbreakHotel #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
The Moon’s jet-black mischief will show you all the unpleasantries in life. It’s not all shadows and betrayals, look for the silver linings, but don't act cavalier. 🦇 #Scorpio #EmbraceTheDarkness #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Saturn has you caught in a web of restriction. Enough pretending your endless ‘travel plans’ can save you from responsibility! Get a grip on what truly matters. 🌍🚫 #Sagittarius #RealityCheck #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
The influences remind you that even rocks can erode, Cap. Put down that stiff attitude, and be open to others. They may surprise you, just as likely as being sorely disappointed. ⏳ #Capricorn #StubbornAsAFossil #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto's cold breath breathes through your mind, causing existential dread. Embrace the chaos as change lingers. You are malleable, but don’t forget what you seek as ironclad. 🔩💔 #Aquarius #InnovateOrDie #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Venus is soothing you temporarily, but wake up! Love isn't a fantasy; you need to structure your fragile dreams. Pampering your illusions won’t free you from apathy. 🌌 #Pisces #DreamBigMess #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 26° 15' |
| moon in scorpio | 28° 41' |
| mercury in pisces | 29° 49' |
| venus in pisces | 24° 47' |
| mars in cancer | 29° 6' |
| jupiter in gemini | 18° 30' |
| saturn in pisces | 26° 14' |
| uranus in taurus | 25° 29' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 36' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 44' |
