Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 20th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Look who's stubbornly grazing again. With the Sun lazily shining in your sign, you're bound to stay stuck in your rut without realizing. Maybe try moving forward instead of constantly munching on old grass. 🐄 #Taurus #StuckAgain #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Heavens, Capricorn! The Moon is dangling over you, but you're too busy grasping at old ambitions. Newsflash: not even the stars can help drag you up from your corporate grave. 🏢 #Capricorn #LostInBusiness #astrology #horoscope
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mercury's in your chaotic clutches, Aries! Why scream about it rather than translate those fiery thoughts into something sane for once? Entertain them for kicks, cause you’ll drive everyone mad if you don’t! 🚀 #Aries #StopYelling #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Venus in your waters isn’t going to wash away those emotional burdens, Pisces. You're occupied drowning in your own tears while the universe begs you to take a swim instead. 🐟 #Pisces #Serenity?Fail #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars in Leo has you puffing out your chest, but darling, you’re hardly fierce without bravery. Roar all you want, you’re only a big cat with mediocre instincts. 🦁 #Leo #MediocreBravery #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter is serving you a brisk dose of sparkle, Gemini! But try avoiding that endless chatter; we’re annoyed at your inconsistency and lack of depth. Can you show some substance, please? 🎭 #Gemini #Windbag #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto's whisper touches you, Aquarius, but let's be honest: you're fumbling in the dark with all those 'revolutionary' ideas. Time to disconnect your delusions while the world refuses to care. 🌌 #Aquarius #RevolutionaryBlindness #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Poor Cancer, with critique seeping from every corner as the Moon weighs you down. Emotions are a heavy burden; welcome home your hermit shell! Your sadness deserves a quiet rerun. 🦀 #Cancer #UnendingSorrow #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
As Mercury spins wildly nearby, Virgo, you're sorting through every single flaw and creating one of your compulsive lists. That's cute! Just remember: perfection is a myth invented by deluded minds. 📋 #Virgo #ObsessiveCompulsive #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus isn't doing much for you, Libra - we get it, balance is key. Yet, slinging drama over your social life won't elevate anyone's worth, especially yours. Manage that arrogance, would you? ⚖️ #Libra #DramaKing #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
With your mysterious ways, Scorpio, Mars might have you taking more risks. Don't set fire to everything, your obsession will only burn a few weary souls ready to escape your chaos. 🔥 #Scorpio #TempestuousDecisions #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter casts glares upon you, Sagittarius! While you're usually fecklessly racing through adventures, how about you actually stick to one for a change? Perpetual motion requires rest, you know. 🏹 #Sagittarius #WanderLustAttentionDeficit #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in taurus | 0° 9' |
| moon in capricorn | 17° 32' |
| mercury in aries | 2° 56' |
| venus in pisces | 25° 32' |
| mars in leo | 0° 45' |
| jupiter in gemini | 19° 14' |
| saturn in pisces | 26° 41' |
| uranus in taurus | 25° 42' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 44' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 46' |
