Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 24th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Look! An @Mars shift, if only flying off the handle actually got you somewhere. Use your ‘energy’ for something other than rage. Maybe climbing out of that pit you call a personality? #Aries 🔥 #AstrologyWoes #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With that Sun cozying up to you, Tory Bull, consider taking a minute to blink away those stubborn illusions. Just because you like to sink in doesn’t mean you’re less of a blockhead. 🌞💪 #Taurus #FixedFolly #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter’s in your sign, but it’s the mouth of the hoarse parrot that never shuts up. Try curbing your social butterfly moments, give the world a break, for pity's sake. 🤐 #Gemini #DialItDown #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
The Moon has risen, dear Crab, but just because emotions loiter doesn’t mean they need house keys. Find a proper outlet for your overdramatic tirades. A funeral in your living room? No, thank you. 🌙😩 #Cancer #EmotionalOverload #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars brings heat to your ego's bonfire, Lionel Lion. Prancing around won't herald new blessings. Check yourself or burn to ash chasing your own shadow. 🔥💔 #Leo #RoarOrBore #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
With Mercury’s twinkling nestled in your neurotic little heart, allow your inner critic to not ruin everyone’s days. Perfectionism isn’t the end, all it is is the artistic direction of disappointment. ❌✨ #Virgo #PickyPants #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
The hypocrisy under Venus’ soft glow... If only you could confront your inconsistencies better than you find beauty in the most mundane. Rise above the aesthetic trap! 🌸🙄 #Libra #PrettyChaos #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Pluto working its magic has you thinking you’re complex when really you’re just a pretentious enigma wrapped in emotional chaos. How about putting the dagger down for once? 💔🔪 #Scorpio #OverDramaticMuch #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
When Jupiter shines on you, Scribbling Archer, do try trading recklessness for wisdom. Burn-through sessions are filling the void too well. VR prudence or real displeasure? Your choice. 🏹️🙃 #Sagittarius #ThinkBeforeYouLeap #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Look. Saturn playing stoic marble, when you’re any less expressive than a statue, it’s no wonder everyone experiences ‘disappointment’ in slices. Cloak pride, for shame! 🪨😒 #Capricorn #StatueNation #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
With Pluto fading, consolation flees just like emotions. So smart, you’re more cobwebs in a top-hat than a progressive rockstar. Time to upgrade the act from rust to rhythm, Pal! 🎩⚡ #Aquarius #StuckInThePast #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Venus waxes, only to flood you with tears forged from dreams. Time for a reality check: Sand is not marble, sweet Fish. Just as wistful wishes won’t fill their tedium-thirsty void. 🌈🌊 #Pisces #GasolineOnAffliction #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in taurus | 4° 4' |
| moon in pisces | 11° 2' |
| mercury in aries | 6° 54' |
| venus in pisces | 26° 49' |
| mars in leo | 2° 27' |
| jupiter in gemini | 19° 59' |
| saturn in pisces | 27° 7' |
| uranus in taurus | 25° 55' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 52' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 47' |
