Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus. The sun and moon drag you forward5 with gluttonous delight. Feast all you want, but know it will all end in tears. Enjoy your indulgence, but don’t choke on your ambition. 🍽️ #Taurus #GreedyStars #AstrologyHell #horoscope
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries, your head is in clouds, thrilling, but perilous! Mercury stirs youthful mischief. Don’t insult my intellect with your reckless charge; you’ll crash and burn! 💥 #Aries #BurnBabyBurn #AstrologyFury #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, with Venus and Saturn kissing your dreamy waters, you're drowning in delusions and senseless nostalgia. Stop seeking comfort and start grabbing reality by the throat! 🌊 #Pisces #WallowingFools #RealityCheck #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo. Mars finds you prancing about like a fool in a parade, lost in limelight admiration. It won’t save you when you fall from grace. Remember, none but the mocking stars shine down on you! 🌟 #Leo #FadingGlory #AstrologyTrap #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, your endless chatter won't drown out the fact, Jupiter expands your distractions, not your knowledge. Quit flapping those jaws and aim for quality over quantity. 🗣️ #Gemini #ChatterboxDisaster #StationaryStagnation #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, the shadows loom as Venus dives into the murky waters you call home. Friends should drown themselves beside you, not uplift your moody shell. Don’t blame the stars; they’re just cruel! 🌑 #Cancer #FuzzyDevelopment #AstrologyPitfall #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, how starry-eyed you appear while Mars leans into your abyss. Perfectionist Delusions picked a terrible time to plague you. Don’t crush what’s left of your spirit trying to attain unattainable! 🔍 #Virgo #DisillusionedPerfection #AstrologyMiser #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra. Flying high on Venus and Saturn's cotton candy clouds, you’re all charm and no wisdom. Balance isn’t sweet until you’re crushed under it. Reflect and adjust desperately before reality bites. 🎠 #Libra #SweetToothTrap #AstrologySunk #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, take a marshmallow break. Pluto wants to play! Have you battled inner demons today, or just sulked in shadows, thinking it passes for depth? You need walls; not to inflict pain, but for your own good. 🌪️ #Scorpio #ForbiddenDepths #AstrologyStruggles #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, with Jupiter puffing to fill intrepid wanderlust...but don’t forget your passport! Yes, explore, but don’t jeer away your old and grumpy foundations as they disintegrate. Adventure happily hinges on contact with sanity. 🌍 #Sagittarius #WildChase #WasteNotOrWanderLost #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, where practicality wears you as an extra limb! Saturn belittles your careful cadence, Goal crushing may clash with reality checks. Tighten your girdle ‘cause solid grip hurried struggles await. 🚧 #Capricorn #CountTheyCost #AstrologyJobs #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, it’s purgatory for the idealistic and direct. Your lofty dreams remain entagled in flesh! Unwinding goals from chaotic fantasies is dire, but trudge on regardless. Wise up, will you? 🌀 #Aquarius #WakingDisturbance #AstrologyCondition #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in taurus | 7° 57' |
| moon in taurus | 10° 37' |
| mercury in aries | 11° 35' |
| venus in pisces | 28° 34' |
| mars in leo | 4° 13' |
| jupiter in gemini | 20° 46' |
| saturn in pisces | 27° 32' |
| uranus in taurus | 26° 8' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 0' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 48' |
