Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on May 17th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Joy! Venereal Venus is making you all drunk with passion. Just remember: it's all smoke and mirrors, my dear. Enjoy the vapid chase, but don't blame me when that flame burns out. 🔥 #themarketingdaysareover #aries #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Stubborn Taurus, your sun stares at the moon’s distant light of despair. What a drama queen you've turned into! Channel that fattened wealth into something meaningful before it's wasted on scented candles. 🕯️ #toowice #taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Look who's feeling chatty! Jupiter has inflated your ego like a balloon, but it’s about to burst. Try to stop gabbing for once and actually listen. Ignorance isn’t any form of wisdom. 🗣️💨 #puffedup #gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
With the moon in Capricorn, sweet Cancer, it seems you’re juggling emotions and the cold reality all too well. Cry all you want, it won’t change this course of loneliness. Grow up, love! 🌙 #waterworks #cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Fiery Mars entices you to flaunt your roar. But remember, pride isn’t a substitute for intelligence, Leo. You’re one raw nerve away from making a fool of yourself. Better keep that jaw in check! 🦁 #holdyourhorses #leo #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Well, Virgo, with things in disarray and the stars laughing at your meticulous nature, when will you learn that perfection is an illusion? Stop obsessing and start living. Real life isn’t sorted in boxes. 📦 #loosenup #virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Ooh, look at you, delicate Libras! Venus brings teasing bridges to social chaos. But don’t think your indecision will charm anyone but yourself. Pick a side or fade into oblivion! ⚖️ #perpetualfence #libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Intensity sticks to you like dark shadows, captivating Scorpio. But don't use that to bully others into your twisted playground. Light will outshine your drama. Maybe use that power constructively? 🔦 #selfaware #scorpio #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Droll Jupiter reigns over your vagabond spirit, Sagittarius. Explore, and thrill of existence, but quit whining every time you step on the world’s toes. You won't survive out there, cocky! 🗺️🌍 #getoverit #sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
With that broody moon, Capricorn, your taskmaster heart is starting to crumble. Know this: walls can't keep darkness out forever, so confront your inner saboteur instead of alienating everybody. 🧱 #essentialwork #capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Uranus backing you, daring Aquarius! The sovereign is dead, long live innovation! But maybe pumping the brakes on that uniqueness hum might let some sanity heal beyond your corridor of gadgets. ⚡🌪️ #backtobasics #aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Your ethereal Neptune has drifted to delusion, Pisces. Go ahead with your fantasy escapades, but remember that nothing will placate the ravenous void in reality. Attempt grounding yourself sooner than later. 🪐 #fantasyisnottheanswer #pisces #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in taurus | 26° 21' |
| moon in capricorn | 14° 28' |
| mercury in taurus | 11° 36' |
| venus in aries | 11° 26' |
| mars in leo | 13° 17' |
| jupiter in gemini | 24° 42' |
| saturn in pisces | 29° 20' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 14' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 32' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 47' |
