Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on May 31st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Feeling energetic #Aries? With Venus boosting your ego, you'd almost seem tolerable, almost. But please, spare us the boasting. 😒🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Change makes you nervous, but really, you've brought your misery upon yourself. Blame it on Uranus if it helps you cope. 🙄🐃 #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Sun, Mercury & Jupiter boost your chatterbox insanity. Dear world, brace for relentless Gemini chatter today, or just run. 😵💫💬 #Gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Feeling moody and melodramatic? Must be a day ending in Y, Cancer. The planets owe you nothing, cry somewhere else. 🦀🙄 #Cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Moon & Mars igniting drama as usual. Oh, how fun it must be living as you, a walking soap opera nobody wishes to watch. 😑🎭 #Leo #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Your skepticism and nitpicking hit peak today, Virgo. The stars conspire against any shred of joy you might possess. Carry on. #Virgo 😤🌿 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Yet another day avoiding decisions? Shocking, said no one. Why bother choosing when you can wallow in mediocrity another day? #Libra ⚖️😒 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Resentment boiling below the surface again? Typical. Even the cosmos tires hiding your dark secrets, Scorpio. Calm down. 🦂🖤 #Scorpio #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Your aimless wandering isn’t adventure. It's confusion branded as optimism. Face reality, Sagittarius: The stars mock you. 🎯😏 #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Climbing ambition exhausting as usual? Nobody cares. The stars won't clap for your pathetic need for validation either. 🙄🐐 #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Revolution on your mind with Pluto's eerie glance? Spare us your latest novelty rebellion. You're not as special as you imagine. 😒⚡#Aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Escaping reality into fantasy again, Pisces? Big surprise. Stars suggest confronting life, even if professionally avoiding it. 🤔🐠 #Pisces #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in gemini | 9° 48' |
| moon in leo | 2° 7' |
| mercury in gemini | 10° 50' |
| venus in aries | 23° 58' |
| mars in leo | 20° 31' |
| jupiter in gemini | 27° 46' |
| saturn in aries | 0° 25' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 3' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 50' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 39' |
