Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 10th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The universe poured Red Bull in your veins, Aries, but it's just caffeine-fueled stupidity. Charge headfirst, straight into disaster, as usual. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus babysits you, Taurus, but you’re still emotionally constipated. Sit, snack, and pretend apathy is a personality trait. #Taurus 💸 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Congrats, Gemini, Mercury’s got you babbling nonsense even faster today. Everyone’s impressed you can speak so much and say nothing. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s in a foul mood, and guess what? So is everyone who has to tolerate your whiny victim routine. Cry those crabby tears. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Shine bright, Leo, but don’t trip on that ego, Mars in Aries will enjoy watching you combust like a cheap firework. Delusions suit you. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Nothing’s lined up, Virgo, not even your excuses. Mercury’s got your mind foggier than a hangover. Drop the checklist, embrace chaos. #Virgo 📋 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus smiles on you, Libra, too bad you use that charm to avoid all decisions. Keep sitting on the fence, you might develop splinters. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon in Capricorn says bottle it up, Scorpio. Good, your drama is best aged in silence. Go glare menacingly in a dark corner. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Restless much, Sagittarius? Good thing, because your grand ideas are still trash. Go evangelize your nonsense elsewhere. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Heavy sigh, Capricorn. You’re twice as insufferable with Moon and Pluto near, cold, joyless, and confusing ambition with basic humanity. #Capricorn 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Bravo, Aquarius, Pluto lends you ‘visionary’ energy. Translation: more time to spout unprovoked opinions no one asked for. Yawn. #Aquarius 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Mercury drowns you, Pisces, so your thoughts are as leaky as your boundaries. Float along, sweet doormat. Just don’t plan. #Pisces 🪼 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 20° 8' |
| moon in capricorn | 17° 53' |
| mercury in pisces | 23° 11' |
| venus in taurus | 12° 41' |
| mars in aries | 0° 8' |
| jupiter in cancer | 16° 28' |
| saturn in aries | 6° 39' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 10' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 32' |
| pluto in aquarius | 5° 20' |
