Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 13th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries, with every planet trying to start a fire in your ego, you’re about as subtle as a marching band in a library. Charge ahead, genius, straight into another brick wall. #Aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Venus makes you clingier than a toddler with separation anxiety. Good luck letting go, gravity clearly has you in a chokehold. Moo somewhere else. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Congrats Gemini, Mercury’s swimming with the fish and so is your attention span. Try finishing a sentence before your brain implodes. #Gemini 🐍 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, Moon’s got you pretending to care. Your emotional whirlpool isn’t deep, just muddy. Sulk quietly, for everyone’s sake. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, Sun's spotlight is on you, again. Cue the melodramatics. Enjoy your one-person show, everyone else left at intermission. #Leo 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, with Mercury sinking, so is your logic. Micromanage yourself into a coma while we nap through your next existential crisis. #Virgo 🦗 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, craving validation again? The planets are busy, get in line. Your indecision today could be weaponized as crowd control. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, Mars dying to start a fight. But you? Just brooding in the shadows, plotting revenge on an expired coupon. Terrifying. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, Jupiter puffs your ego until you’re hot air with legs. Preach less, listen more, no one needs a TED Talk from you. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, Saturn’s shoving you uphill with a limp and a lawsuit. Delegate your misery, we’re too tired to care. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, Moon’s in your sign and the chaos suits you. Go ahead, start a revolution, just remember: nobody RSVP’d. #Aquarius 🌪️ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Mercury has you deep diving into nonsense. You’re lost at sea, and frankly, no one is sending a lifeboat. Tread harder. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 23° 4' |
| moon in aquarius | 25° 10' |
| mercury in pisces | 27° 3' |
| venus in taurus | 16° 22' |
| mars in aries | 2° 28' |
| jupiter in cancer | 16° 45' |
| saturn in aries | 7° 1' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 19' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 38' |
| pluto in aquarius | 5° 22' |
