Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 30th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
You bold ram! The moon in Scorpius is just adding to your already inflated marshmallow ego. Stop playing the hero and focus on your ever-feeble plans. You won’t notice the depth of your stupidity! 🌑 #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Ducky, don't let that Uranus in your sign fool you; change is coming, and it's as welcome as a fly in your soup. Just when you thought you'd be sheltered from the chaos! 🐂 #taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Jupiter prancing through your realm, it might be oddly convincing you to talk more than usual. Hint: no one asked for your incessant chatter. 🗣️ #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Dreamy Crab, Neptune’s hazy atmosphere clouding your home? Stay sharp or drown in your own tears. No one’s got time for your domestic dramas. 🦀 #cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars strutting through your fiery land is inflating your dazzling egotism, but don’t forget – shiny things crash, my dear lion. Get your roaring mess in order. 🦁 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
With Venus floating through Capricorn? Oh, let me guess, you’re trying to be practical about your lovelife? Maybe stop planning every breath and start living! 💼 #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
The sun in Sagittarius slings itself through your chart, nudging you to act, but that famous indecisiveness of yours holds you back. Keep moonwalking on those scales, darling. ⚖️ #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpion, thatise moon showering you with emotional vibes confirms everyone sees through your veneer. Try scintillating honesty instead of lurking in shadows. 🌒 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Prophecy is my burden, but you stationed in your comfort zone won't find your way. Mercury's cunning won't lead you forth if you're lost in your clamor. 🌠 #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Venus shows your cold heart the warmth of 'affection.' Newsflash, you stone-hearted thing! Embrace some passion instead of paternal love! 🌍 #capricorn #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Computers & wild ideas, Pluto just tipped your odd buck this way. Good luck guiding the lost sheep here—you're in a circus, if you catch my drift. 🌌 #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn is trying to bring some wisdom into your cloud-like existence, but remember? Blurred lines and wishful thinking won’t pad your sad waters. Embrace a backbone. 🐟 #pisces #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 8° 15' |
| moon in scorpio | 23° 55' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 21° 21' |
| venus in capricorn | 21° 33' |
| mars in leo | 5° 51' |
| jupiter in gemini | 17° 19' |
| saturn in pisces | 12° 52' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 42' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 8' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 12' |
