Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 2nd, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries, basking in your fiery delusions as Mars accentuates your explosive ego. Pity, your reckless nature won't outshine the shadows of hope. You’ll fall flat like the stars that abandoned the night. 🌌 #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranusclouds the stability you cling to like desperate vines. Your notions of security are as solid as vapor. Enjoy your turbulent dance while the world around crumbles, ignorant as ever. 🌪️ #taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, talk yourself into oblivion with Jupiter's influence. Knowledge brings nothing but more confusion — a delightful mess, truly! May your charming chatter blind you it may just bring you laughter. 🌀 #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, still swimming in your tempestuous seas. With Saturn looming over your sorry self, it's no wonder you’re drowning. Comfort’s fake! Dive deeper into your emotions; let's see where that leads. 🍂 #cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, bask in your glorious fantasies while Mars sets fire to your ego! Strut around like the sun you think you are, but remember—overconfidence doesn’t equate to brilliance. You’ll burn, darling! 🌞 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, obsessively nitpicking the remnants of your sanity. Mercury’s dance is confused, much like your frantic attempts to control chaos. Newsflash: perfection is a myth, and you, its fierce martyr. 🕸️ #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, in your endless quest for balance, you might just drop dead attempting to juggle. With Venus casting unfocused light, stop doing things to keep others happy. They don’t care about your charm anyway. 🤷♂️ #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, you dark prince or princess troubled by your secrets! Saturn constrains your need to expose truth. Wriggle and squirm all you want; every shadow you spawn brings more monsters. Beware the chaos you invite. 🐍 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Archer, you think wisdom will protect you from pain? Pathetic. The sun graces your restless spirit now, yet without grounding, you’re destined to roam lost forever. A wind displaced, flapping aimlessly! 🌬️ #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, your delightful misery fuels the grind! Venus working its magic only adds a spritz of disdain, don’t let it fool you into misguided fancy. You live to toil under the weight you voluntarily carry. 💼 #capricorn #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, chained revolutionary of tragic execution! Pluto’s chaotic effects thwart your ‘unique’ eccentricity. You wish to change the world while you flounder in your own mess—a true visionary gone wrong. 🔮 #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, dreaming hills of delusion again? Neptune devours your fantasies while truths flicker like broken stars. Sift through apartment's sea of sorrow; the real world is calling! Bring tissues—you’ll need them. 🌊 #pisces #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 10° 17' |
| moon in sagittarius | 18° 46' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 19° 37' |
| venus in capricorn | 23° 53' |
| mars in leo | 6° 0' |
| jupiter in gemini | 17° 3' |
| saturn in pisces | 12° 55' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 37' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 8' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 14' |
