Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 7th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Another day, another battle. Mars in Leo wants you to roar with boldness, but those “creative ideas” in your head are about as useful as a broken compass. Step down! 🚦#aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With Uranus throwing you into a whirlwind, why pretend to be stable? Grasping for comfort doesn't count when change is literally knocking your door down. It's time to adapt, you stubborn bull! 🚪 #taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter gliding through your sign, but don’t get too cozy – it's like finally finding Wi-Fi but no device to connect. Do use this time for learning instead of gossiping! 📚 #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
The Moon in Aquarius has you feeling just as cold. Cups of empathy? Forget it; there's a reason Crabs hide. Embrace that shell and give everyone your patented silent treatment. 🦀 #cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars in your sign might have you feeling fierce! But don’t confuse bravado with brilliance. You’re more of a big cat show than a hunter today. Tone down your tendencies! 🦁 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Eager to reckon with the chaos, are you? Mercury taunts you from Sagittarius—the conclusion, as usual, is you’re way too pedantic. Yawn. Tune down your frantic analytics, earthworm. 📏 #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in overindulgent Capricorn rolls its eyes at your endless search for connection. Are you REALLY seeking love or just social validation? Take a mirror moment—a pleather-clad social freak you are! 💅 #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Little Pluto is whispering whispers, but get this: Transformations are not for the weak. You're not a phoenix. You muddle around like what crawled from a dumpster. Fear less! 🔥 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun in your sign makes you the captain of elusive optimism! But with Mercury giving blame-games in Sag, it's best you stay quiet for now. Crickets make for better company! 🌟 #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Enjoy Venus-wooing things up in serious Capricorn? Wanna yoked life? Ha! Your dreams contain no glitter for a reason! Start figuring out what you REALLY want, because compromise paints guilt. 🏔️ #capricorn #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Moon's electric energy asks weirdos like you if you’d care to connect or instead remain lost in your conspiracy theories. Wake up! No one's buying, dear innovator! 🚀 #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn signals things don't just magically float out of your hazy imagination, Nep-Macts or whatever they're called. Pull yourself together before the delusions drown you. 🎭 #pisces #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 15° 22' |
| moon in aquarius | 24° 25' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 13° 12' |
| venus in capricorn | 29° 42' |
| mars in leo | 6° 10' |
| jupiter in gemini | 16° 22' |
| saturn in pisces | 13° 5' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 26' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 7' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 21' |
