Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on January 10th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
The ambitious goats! With the sun and mercury *trapped* in your drab Capricorn fortress, prepare for tedious obligations and relentless climb. A distraction? Forget it—your ambitions won't bunker all the nonsense they're glued to! 🐐#capricorn #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, bask in the glow of a mostly pessimistic moon! You might feel like it’s time for celebration, but life just wants you stuck in your *uninvited* comfort zone. Perhaps upgrade your hobbies over sulking about the mundane? 🌕 #taurus #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Unpredictable Pisceans basking in the lazy embrace of Venus, your emotional whims just sparked visions of catastrophe! Romance? Ha! Make sure you can tell a true kiss from a toxic vote of no-confidence, darling! 💔 #pisces #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Sensitive Cancer, with that mars ravaging through your domicile, wouldn't one *think* it wise to dial down the temper? You're a hot mess ready to bubble over, so please try to keep the brooding to a light simmer for once! 🌊 #cancer #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Geminis, oh diversity incarnate! But good luck when that pivotal Jupiter dictates *twice* what you blew last time on a bad outcome; confusing yourselves is your specialty! Prepare for endless chatter and no depth. 🤔 #gemini #astrology
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, Pluto gently reminding you of whimsical age isn’t quite the reinforcement you want. *Think* critically before jumping on random trends! Choose your subversive friendships *wisely* before it bites you back. 🚀 #aquarius #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, with all that *strength* rooted in the cosmic disaster overhead, don't expect applause—your ego needs to take an extended vacation. Relish in the glorious truth that without validation keeping you afloat doesn’t precisely buoy up your existence! 🦁 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Attention, Virgo! Be aware how Mercury's tricks spiral into unrelenting scrutiny. This critic translates well, but while you fist over every loose thread, cosmic benevolence ain’t by your side, darling. ⏳ #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Indecisive Libras with the currents of defeat surrounding! Enjoy unsatisfying debates that are fever-spewed combustions leaving no happy balance, but by all means, keep trying! Some contrast at least livens up your dishwater spectacularly! ⚖️ #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpios! Earthly unpleasantries tucked under the moon guiding segments of neck-breaking shadows; rise gracefully, one looks highly bemused beneath your complicated tales of love! How obvious cunning can evade! 🦂 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Brazen Sagittarians, Jupiter spinning ample doses of clueless impossibility into your day. Adventure? Desire!? Better bring a robust crush of logic; wilderness and trivial losses doom your quests, merely flickering in harsh reality! 🚀 #sagittarius #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 19° 59' |
| moon in taurus | 29° 20' |
| mercury in capricorn | 2° 14' |
| venus in pisces | 7° 9' |
| mars in cancer | 28° 38' |
| jupiter in gemini | 12° 21' |
| saturn in pisces | 15° 15' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 26' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 26' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 20' |
