Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 14th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Another day, another chance for you to discuss nonsense. Merciless Mercury is tangling your thoughts, and it's time for you to spare the world your blabbering. Do us all a favor and keep your head out of the clouds. 🤦♂️ #aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, as Saturn sobs in your naive sign, your dreamy illusions clash with the harshness of reality. Snap out of it! Clingy fantasies don't pay the bills, do they? 🌊 #pisces #astrology
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
With Venus in your pitiful realm, love feels like a childish game. Don’t mistake your fiery passions for love, it's just another tempest. Tread cautiously before you burn aroma-scented bridges. 🔥 #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
While Uranus loves to shake things up in your life, don't take it too seriously, stubborn bull. Just when you thought you could avoid change forever, here you go, forced to pick up the pieces. Wish waves were this thrilling. 🌪️ #taurus #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
As Jupiter illuminates the simplest of your sibling lunacies, watching you overshare absolutely pointlessly is amusing. Can’t you speak about anything more relevant than your obsession with cereal flavors? 🤪 #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars voyages through your whiny territory, and oh how tender you become! Wail about your insecurities on social media once more; I'm rolling my eyes on your behalf. Pull yourself together! 😒 #cancer #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Hey Leo, bask under Mars’s delightful influence and unleash that theatrical flair. But ‘star’ doesn’t mean you exuberate 24/7. Doesn’t your roar ever tire? Focus on strange inner struggles, or are they just too mundane for your liking? 🎭 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
With the moon crafting chaos in your pinned-down sign, are you really surprised about the tension bubbling? It’s time to stoically inspect the madness around you, but remember, perfection is a moving target. Good luck! 🔍 #virgo #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Striking balance? Haha! When is that ever your strong suit, Libra? While the scales tip left and right, ponder why your life’s so unsteady. Maybe ditch the indecision? No? What a surprise. ⚖️ #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Neptune casts mutable shadows over you. Oh Scorpios, your depth is so intensely dramatic, and yet, often misplaced! Conjure some rational thoughts before you dive headfirst into unsafe obsession layers. 🌑 #scorpio #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter lighting your dim wisdom won’t save you now, Sagittarius. Attempting to be a know-it-all will only land you in trouble. Explore the absurdity of life instead of trying to philosophize everything you breathe? 🎈 #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s punishing your poor back, Capricorn. Working yourself to the bone to fulfill dreams built on hastily written resolutions!? Pfft. Reevaluate before succumbing to madness! Where’s your peace? 🤷♂️ #capricorn #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aquarius | 25° 32' |
| moon in virgo | 11° 51' |
| mercury in aquarius | 29° 4' |
| venus in aries | 6° 13' |
| mars in cancer | 17° 39' |
| jupiter in gemini | 11° 26' |
| saturn in pisces | 18° 53' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 21' |
| neptune in pisces | 28° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 27' |
