Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 22nd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Fiery Aries, you've got that unyielding spirit ready to charge forward 🤬. Mercury tells you to slow your roll or you'll clash heads instead of catching dreams. Dim your fire or get burned. 🔥 #Aries ⚡️ #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, with Uranus lurking in your sign, expect the ground beneath your feet to shift like a two-bit illusionist 🤡. Your stubborn ways won’t escape the upheaval. Adapt or be buried, your choice. 🌪️ #Taurus 👎 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, Jupiter beams upon you, yet your high-flying ideas might get tangled in that delightful confusion 🤔. Gather your split selves and find clarity or suffer the indecision. Good luck with that! 😏 #Gemini 🤷 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Sensitive Cancer, Mars loiters in your sphere, a volatile protector swimming in murky emotions 🦀. Guard your feelings, but don’t retreat! Use that strength or drown in your own tides. #Cancer 🌊👊 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo! You demanding diva. The moon whispers contrary vibes through the flames of ambition 🌙🔥. Don’t let your arrogance blind your better judgment, or your throne might get rocked. Step right or be dethroned! #Leo ⚠️ #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, ever the perfectionist, are you mired in Saturn's debilitating shackles? 😂 The cosmos mocks your critiques when your own faults linger like unmade beds. Spoiler alert: you’re not flawless! #Virgo 😬 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus lounges in your sign but don’t think romance overrides responsibility! Every ounce of charm won't heal the chaos threatening your balance. Hold your own, or fall flat! 💔🙃 #Libra ✋ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, Neptune drapes your reality in splendid illusions. Dreamy distractions cowardly veil harsh truths 🐍. Wake up and face your tangled web or spend eternity fighting shadows. 🕸️ #Scorpio ⚔️ #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Rip it up, Sagittarius! The moon’s igniting your wanderlust and reckless abandon again 🌌. Don’t gallivant blindly! With reckless abandon you can steer into a mess. Use your eyes not just your feet! #Sagittarius 🏇 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, weighed down by Saturn's punishment, I see the bitter grumble bearing on your brow like it bears on old bones 🪢. Get a move on, or you’ll cement yourself into that well-worn rut of mediocrity. 🐐 #Capricorn ✨ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Blue-blooded Aquarius, with Pluto sending aftershocks through your control-freak nature, buckle up ⚡. Change will come like it or not! Are you the scapegoat or a pilot to greatness? Time to choose! #Aquarius 🤨 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, could you be more passive with Neptune feeling sadistic behind the clouds? 🌫️ Cry me a river, but decision-making won’t drown in your perpetual daydreams. Please, lift your head above that murky water and swim! 🍃 #Pisces 💧 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 1° 36' |
| moon in sagittarius | 26° 7' |
| mercury in aries | 6° 45' |
| venus in aries | 3° 18' |
| mars in cancer | 20° 39' |
| jupiter in gemini | 14° 31' |
| saturn in pisces | 23° 16' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 19' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 40' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 22' |
