Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 21st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The mighty RAM struts again, blinded by your own bravado. Mercury's mischief suggests your words could start wars. Speak wisely, or become a laughing stock. Good luck with that! 🐏 #Aries #Astrology #BurnedByStars #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
You stubborn bull, too fixed in your ways! Uranus whispers of unrest. Don't resist change; life's too short to be the poster child for beige. Get a grip, or be trampled. 🐂 #Taurus #StellarSecrets #SarcasticSage #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Twins... one’s a genius and the other’s an idiot. Jupiter's in your corner, elevating your chatter, but don’t be shocked if your words fall flat. I can hear your dull banter from here. 🙃 #Gemini #Astrology #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Crab, smothering with your emotions again? Mars wants you to assert yourself rather than retreat into your shell. Quit wallowing... nobody wants to deal with a whiner. 🦀 #Cancer #StellarScreams #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Lion-hearted? More like lion-loud! The moon's in Sagittarius and it’s revealing your pompousness. Time to tone it down or prepare for others to laugh at your parade. Your mane can't save you now. 🦁 #Leo #AstrologyBurn #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Perfect planner, aren’t you, Virgo? But guess what? Mercury's aimless paths lead to chaos, not perfection. Adapt or suffer with your relentless nitpicking. Get out of your head! 🗒️ #Virgo #TongueLashing #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
All those 'harmonizing' efforts won't save you, Libra. Reverberating in indecision as Saturn reigns over you. Get your act together, or you'll be a resin-coated fly caught in your own web. ⚖ #Libra #HopelesslyLost #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
The intense sting of a Scorpion, Chopra? Mars has mundane plans to make you a nervous wreck. Stop plotting, seriously. Channel your energy elsewhere before your own games backfire. 🦂 #Scorpio #AstrologyKilljoy #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Gallivanting about as if you own the cosmos? The moon shifts... know it or be floored. Philosophize less and act more before life's lessons land you face-first in the dust. Potshots advice is worthy. 🏹 #Sagittarius #WildFire #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Ever the corporate climber, aren't you? Saturn's lash just got longer. Your juggernaut mentality is their path to your tumble. Strength has its price, watch your step or you’ll slip on the rungs. 🐐 #Capricorn #UtterChaos #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
A contrarian through and through, yet Pluto has other plans. As the tides shift, don’t cling, let them flood away your stubbornness. Embrace evolution, before the world decides to cast you aside. 🌊 #Aquarius #WavesOfChange #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Hey there, dreamer! Neptune's whims have turned your wistful ambitions into muddy thoughts. Click your heels, fawn over reality and stop drowning in thoughts! You're misreading your own drama. 🎣 #Pisces #DrowningInDreams #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 0° 37' |
| moon in sagittarius | 13° 53' |
| mercury in aries | 7° 28' |
| venus in aries | 3° 56' |
| mars in cancer | 20° 24' |
| jupiter in gemini | 14° 23' |
| saturn in pisces | 23° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 17' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 38' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 21' |
