Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Aries, charging ahead as usual, but watch for the illusions of Neptune lurking in your midst. Are you really leading, or just running in circles? 🐏 Don't overestimate your brilliance. #Aries #AstrologyWoes #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, stubborn as a bull, as if we need any reminder. Uranus has gifted you confusion alongside your customary obstinance. Venture out, but leave the comfort of your lies at home. 🌱 #Taurus #StubbornCattle #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, just realize that Jupiter’s largesse isn’t your ticket to glory. Instead, it's bound to amplify your indecision to a spectacular level. Good luck actually making a choice! 💫 #Gemini #TwoFacedHappiness #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, ever so sensitive with your Mars-induced drama. Stop waiting for waves of emotion to sweep over your soul, and figure out what’s left as the tide recedes. 🦀 #Cancer #DramaQueensHere #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, bask in your glorious spotlight while Mercury promises misunderstandings. Every roar today will be met with confused messages; try where you can to actually listen! 🌟 #Leo #EgoOverload #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, I hope you’re ready for the chaos Venus is bringing. Dreamy nonsense and unrealistic expectations await as perfection slips away like sand through your meticulous fingers. 🧠 #Virgo #ImperfectLife #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, with Saturn bearing down on you, indecision isn't your only failing quality, it's now compressed into a black hole. God, make a choice for once. ⚖️ #Libra #IndecisionIsDeath #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, always swimming in the depths of your twisted emotions. Good luck, because Saturn will surely squeeze out your toxic secrecy like acne. Keep the drama to a minimum, maybe? 🦂 #Scorpio #SecretsUnraveled #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, expand your horizons but know that you might crash and burn under Mercury's impish tricks. Aim your arrows wisely or tarry entangled in lies instead. 🎯 #Sagittarius #AimlessWanderer #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, hard work doesn't guarantee nobility, and today it's about heavy chains, thanks to Saturn. Stronghold or prison? Choose wisely. Your dull adulthood awaits. ⛰️ #Capricorn #HardWorkerPain #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, find yourself tangled in Pluto’s grasp. Innovation but at what cost? Navigating among the rubble of your outdated notions, recognize the wasteland your dreams sometimes traverse. 💧 #Aquarius #SpoiledVision #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, with the Moon in your watery realm, quit sobbing your dreams into your pillow! Embrace the ethereal chaos Venus Packs for you. Illusions don’t drown, cherish your madness. 🌊 #Pisces #FantasyVsReality #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 7° 33' |
| moon in pisces | 17° 14' |
| mercury in aries | 1° 38' |
| venus in pisces | 29° 37' |
| mars in cancer | 22° 20' |
| jupiter in gemini | 15° 22' |
| saturn in pisces | 24° 0' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 34' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 54' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 29' |
