Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 29th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The irony! With so much Arien fire from the Sun and Mercury, you charge ahead like a blind bull. Your emotions yell louder than reason and wisdom. Good luck leading your own descent into chaos! 🔥 #Aries #BurnBabyBurn #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus might just enjoy watching you fumble, slow and steady doesn't always win the race, sweet Bull. Embrace change or continue just munching on grass while the world evolves without you. 🐂 #Taurus #StuckInMud #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Jupiter shining and chit-chatting on your behalf, you think everyone wants to hear your doubts? Try to mend the damage done by your loose tongue before it explodes. Keep it in check! 🗣️ #Gemini #WordsAreWeapons #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars in your sign fires you up -- be careful not to drench that energy with your tears, dear Crab. Emotional explosions are fine at the ocean but disastrous on dry land. Control yourself! 🦀 #Cancer #Waterworks #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Your ego reigns Supreme Leo, but even the mighty sun can burn out. Beware the sting of Saturn lurking in illusions, your spotlight could turn dark faster than your royal tantrums can shout! 🌞 #Leo #FallenGrace #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Perfection dominated by starry absurdity! Mercury’s deception lingers over your searching eyes, highlighting every grain of sand, reminding you inconsistency isn't just for the 'imperfect.' Critical thinking is in your grain! 🔍 #Virgo #Overthinking #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Getting lost in Venus’ dreamy delusions won’t earn you brownie points among the ties you cherish, oh indecisive one. Harmony comes at a price, and giving in to conflict may guide you to your true balance! 🕊️ #Libra #SwingingOnTheScales #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Pluto wiggles like a serpent in your mind. Secrets define your existence, but trust me, dear Scorpion, poking at everyone's shadows left you cold. Those stings of jealousy will betray you! 🦂 #Scorpio #SilentBite #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Passion fires incorrectly mistaken for purpose, this Jupiter smorgasbord can't save your chaotic wanderlust forever. Consuming too many tempting bites won't satisfy your insatiable soul! 🌍 #Sagittarius #WildDesire #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
The steady yet stubborn Mountain Goat! Saturn believes bending before a storm is wiser than cracking into a thousand feeble pieces. Resilience is essential, but don’t hide your tender heart, you granite hearted beast! 🐐 #Capricorn #RockSolid #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s shadows linger more intricately than you imagine, oh erratic Aquarius. If you don’t wrest your head out of the clouds, your noble deeds might go up in smoke. Look not just out into the cosmos! 🌌 #Aquarius #LostInThought #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Delusions fill cyberspace, Saturn watching as Piscean vapor touches walls before collapsing. Reality has never fit your dreamscape, yet you must survive beyond the glamour. Swim with wisdom! 🌊 #Pisces #DreamOn #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 8° 32' |
| moon in aries | 2° 7' |
| mercury in aries | 0° 49' |
| venus in pisces | 29° 3' |
| mars in cancer | 22° 38' |
| jupiter in gemini | 15° 31' |
| saturn in pisces | 24° 7' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 37' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 56' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 30' |
