Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on May 3rd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Chit-chatting your way into trouble, #Gemini? Jupiter's expansion isn’t a permission slip for recklessness! Stop yapping and listen – let the wisdom of the cosmos guide you... if you can pry yourself away from gossip for a second. 👂📣 #TwinsDrivenMad #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Perfectionist anxiety flooding in, my dear #Virgo? Relax – with all these cosmic energies swirling, even the universe tolerates mistakes. Embrace a little chaos or watch your carefully constructed plans come tumbling down. 🌪️🛠️ #NitpickingUntilTheEnd #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Ahh, balance, the eternal struggle of a #Libra. Can’t decide what to wear while the cosmos cries for action? The stars are ready to shove you out of your indecisiveness. Trust your instincts, they may not be as great as you like to think! ⚖️🌌 #FashionOrFunction #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
#Scorpio, still drowning in their feelings, eh? Saturn whispers lessons, yet you insist on rebelling. Control your obsessions or the only transformation will be into a bitter recluse, all tears, bitterness, and stale wine. 🦇🍷 #FaceTheMusic #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Adventuring where? #Sagittarius, the cosmic map is foggy and unfriendly! Jupiter always has your back but doesn’t sponsor fools! Stop throwing caution to the wind, misadventures could bring nothing but a painful hangover. 🌍✨ #WildWanderer #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Stiff upper lip doesn’t work if you snap, dear #Capricorn. With Saturn hovering nearby, harsh realities if you ignore emotion. You’re not a robot😉; bend without breaking, pain is merely a cosmic push. 🏔️🚶♂️ #MountainButFallingApart #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
The obstinate water bearer! Come on, #Aquarius; float above your issues! While Pluto entwines your transformation, it doesn’t mean avoiding reality. Isn’t it exhausting? Look around you; the world still spins, despite your antics! 🌊🔄 #EccentricYetClearHeaded #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in taurus | 12° 49' |
| moon in cancer | 23° 34' |
| mercury in aries | 18° 18' |
| venus in aries | 1° 19' |
| mars in leo | 6° 31' |
| jupiter in gemini | 21° 46' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 2' |
| uranus in taurus | 26° 25' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 9' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 49' |
