Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on May 25th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Look, all your fiery plans are ablaze with Venus lighting the way. But with Jupiter lurking, just remember, little ram: it's not always about you. Stay humble or the stars will flash their disdain! 🔥 #aries #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Enough with the stubbornness, bull! Your moon and Mercury unite, providing the smarts, yet Uranus hints at unexpected drama. Will you remain grounded? Sway a bit, I swear it won’t chew your precious roots. 🍃 #taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Chatty Gemini, Mercury slithers through your sign, but Saturn’s putting your nonsense on notice. Embrace the chaos, just know that words are heavier than you think! 🚀 #gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Boohoo, dear Crab, hiding from your unexpressed feelings won't help much. The cosmos doesn’t care about your layers of protection! Open up or stagnate in your feelings like a soggy, forgotten sandwich. 🍔 #cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Roar, you egotistical lion! Mars fuels your flames, but don’t strut too close to the sun, or Singe. Saturn’s bony fingers want to remind you who's really in control. Don’t get too cocky! 🦁✨ #leo #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Attention to detail, dear Virgo. But guess what? With Mars causing a ruckus, a little disorder brings a sprinkle of creativity. Try living a little; not everything has to be in its immaculate place! 📚🌀 #virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Might as well embrace your decisions, Libra. Venus promotes charm, but beware! The line between self-love and narcissism is thin, and the scales might tip against you if you aren't careful! ⚖️💔 #libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Deep dive, Scorpios! Your stinger is still sharp, and Mars inclines towards transformation. However, don’t get too lost in the shadows. Next thing you know, you’ll transmogrify into one of those terrible myths. 💀🌌 #scorpio #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Freedom-loving Archer. Jupiter shines upon you, indulging your whims. Just don't go overboard and trip over Saturn’s chains, you'll find they have a tendency to come back and bite. 🏹🌟 #sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
You ambitious mountain goat, labor beneath your own weight! Time to stagger forward, but how with Saturn lurking? Nothing a bit of star-studied perseverance won't overcome, pity they weren’t around during your brutal climbs. ⛰️🔒 #capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Quirky Fish-axe, with Pluto teasing transformation, are you ready for another existential crisis? Grapple with the changes incoming; avoid falling off that absurd soapbox of yours for the fourth decade in a row! 🔮💨 #aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Dreamy and lost, dear Fish. Neptune is your current heavy, but avoid wallowing in your emotions too long. There are oceans to swim, rise, or become drifting seaweed! 🌊😔 #pisces #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in gemini | 4° 3' |
| moon in taurus | 3° 58' |
| mercury in taurus | 27° 46' |
| venus in aries | 18° 23' |
| mars in leo | 17° 22' |
| jupiter in gemini | 26° 26' |
| saturn in pisces | 29° 59' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 42' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 43' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 43' |
