Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on July 20th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
All fired up, #Aries? Saturn's got you knee-deep in forced self-awareness; blame it on your impulsivity or lack of brains. Life lessons aren't optional. 🤦♂️🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Comfort-loving #Taurus, Moon in your sign won’t stop your lazy self from whining. Enjoy wallowing. Remember: whining is not therapy. 🍷😒 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
#Gemini, Venus and Uranus dancing in your playground: charming one minute, erratic the next. Even the stars tire of your nonsensical chatter. 🙄 #MercurialMess #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Sun's still pitying you, #Cancer. Jupiter encourages overindulgence, perfect for your dramatic meltdowns. Imagine if you harnessed all your moods productively. 💧🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mercury in your proud castle ensures you’ll loudly and arrogantly share opinions nobody asked for. Noble as ever in your ignorance, #Leo. 🦁💬 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mars inflames your endless nitpicking, making you more unbearable, #Virgo. No detail escapes critique, except, conveniently, your flaws. 🚩🔍 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Still weighing irrelevant stuff, #Libra? Venus offers fleeting comfort but none lasting enough. Decide, or don’t, your indecision bores everyone equally. ⚖️🥱 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Hmm #Scorpio, your silent brooding yet again? No planets care enough to reside near you. Even Pluto's busy ignoring your existential sulking. 🦂🙃 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Aimless wandering again, #Sagittarius? Blaming planetary arrangements won't salvage your scattered ambitions, or non-existent discipline. 🙅♂️🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Still going by the playbook winning favors from none? Nobody appreciates your rigidity today, sorry, not sorry, dear #Capricorn. 📘🖕 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Innovative(?!) #Aquarius, Pluto just arrived. Brace for uncomfortable truths about those utopian fantasies. Wonderfully realistic disappointments await. 🌌💔 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Lost in dreamland as usual, #Pisces? Neptune offers delusion; perfect excuse to shirk responsibilities. Reality still awaits patiently, not. 🐟🌫️ #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in cancer | 27° 33' |
| moon in taurus | 23° 47' |
| mercury in leo | 15° 26' |
| venus in gemini | 17° 11' |
| mars in virgo | 18° 59' |
| jupiter in cancer | 9° 5' |
| saturn in aries | 1° 53' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 31' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 6' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 42' |
