Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 13th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
You strut around like a hero, Aries, but with Venus and Saturn throwing shade, you’re just a toddler in gladiator cosplay. Trip over your ego today. #Aries 🥊 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Moon in Capricorn says you’re duller than a vegan cheese board. Uranus tries to shake you up, but you’ll still nap through life. #Taurus 💤 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury squares your tongue, Gemini, expect mouth diarrhea so severe even Twitter blocks you. People will mute you in real life. #Gemini 🙊 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter in your sign? Pity. You’ll weep over spilled feelings and soggy pizza. Nobody’s coming to your emotional TED Talk. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
With the Sun hiding in Pisces, your spotlight is now a dreary fish tank. Pout away, Leo, nobody’s watching your one-man tragedy. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury and Mars muddle your brain, you’ll organize your regrets alphabetically. Overthinking: 10/10, results: zero. #Virgo 🗂️ #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus bails on you for Aries, so your love life matches your Wi-Fi: spotty and full of interruptions. Lower those standards, Libra. #Libra 📵 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon in Capricorn kills your vibe, leaving you less mysterious and more emotionally constipated. Even your shadow’s bored. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mars in Pisces drains your energy, your ambitious plans fizzle into Netflix ‘research.’ No, you’re not the hero. Again. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon’s with you, but so is existential dread. Your confidence is fake, everyone knows. Keep hustling, Capricorn. It’s pathetic. #Capricorn 🦴 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto lurks in your sign, but newsflash: nobody fears your revolution. You’re the office weirdo, not a misunderstood genius. #Aquarius 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Sun, Mercury, and Mars are all in your pool, Pisces, but you’re still drowning in your own tears. Go write poetry nobody will read. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 22° 24' |
| moon in capricorn | 9° 57' |
| mercury in pisces | 11° 38' |
| venus in aries | 8° 8' |
| mars in pisces | 8° 11' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 5' |
| saturn in aries | 3° 10' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 2' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 29' |
| pluto in aquarius | 4° 50' |
