Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on October 20th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Little ram! With Mercury whispering in Scorpius, your genius shines today—like a candle in a hurricane. But it’s best you keep your brilliance to yourself; others are best left in their dull daze. 🤦♂️ #aries #astrology
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey Taurus, with Uranus swaying in your hive today, prepare for some unforeseen chaos. Yet, I suppose your bovine brain is well-prepared for endless debates—fear not, their rage is edible. 🐄🍽️ #taurus #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, your Moon is barely peeking through! Like a split personality on a rollercoaster. At least do try to remember which one you are today! Surprises can be quite annoying, can’t they? 🎭 #gemini #astrology
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, sweet masochists of the zodiac! Mars lodged in your space means you’ll need a thick shell; everyone wants a piece of your crabbiness today. Brace yourself for more unfortunate encounters. 🦀💥 #cancer #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Look at you, Leo! With the Sun shining brightly amidst old Libra’s nonsense, throw another lavish tantrum. Who wouldn’t want to sit enraptured by the royalty spewing from your lips—wreathed in delusions of grandeur? 👑 #leo #astrology
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, as effective as the tiny gears in a broken clock! Mercurial influence can’t teach common sense to the oblivious! Try organizing that chaos in your head for a change, won’t you? 🔧🗂️ #virgo #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, bask in the Sun’s sugary equity while ignoring the travelling grind of Mars! Your penchant for indecision might break a famous blender today. Use your extensive knowledge to churn out strong arguments, but who knows? 📏⚖️ #libra #astrology
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, with Mercury sweetly singing various incomprehensible agony in your sign. Another day, another conspiracy; will your schemes manifest this time? Prepare for disappointment or exhilaration—flip a coin. 🔮 #scorpio #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Oh Sag, Venus teasingly flirtatious in your house means even you stumble into relationships today. Try not to deer in headlights when all your charm collapses! At least try to improve on the awkward silences. ☠️ #sagittarius #astrology
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, Pluto lingers cruelly at your rear; feel that weight? Today’s inspiration is just another reminder of his looming presence—the shadows of others approach, but I’m sure you love another tyrant by your side. ⏳ #capricorn #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Dear Aquarius, Neptune becomes your strange muse, hence expect vibrations of odd ideas and unearthed curiosities. Channel that during your binge on humanity—that somehow feels destructively appealing. 🌀#aquarius #astrology
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, with Saturn strolling in your pool of emotions—to ambitious! Try to dazzle everyone while you’re wallowing. Perhaps fortune smiles on bitter tears; how grand of you! 🛶💧 #pisces #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 27° 5' |
| moon in gemini | 2° 21' |
| mercury in scorpio | 9° 43' |
| venus in sagittarius | 2° 38' |
| mars in cancer | 24° 2' |
| jupiter in gemini | 21° 8' |
| saturn in pisces | 13° 17' |
| uranus in taurus | 26° 20' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 45' |
| pluto in capricorn | 29° 39' |
