Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 28th, 2024. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Venus in your sign? 🩴 Sure, great—so much to say about aesthetics while you drown in your dull duties. Chasing dreams won't replace the lost hopes under the weight of your responsibilities. Go on, keep pretending. #capricorn #astrology
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
With Pluto creeping in your sign, loose the chains you never had. 🤔 You're an ‘enlightened' rebel who's managed to make individualism look like formulaic nonsense. You dream big but end up stuck in small ideas. #aquarius #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn chilling in your corner?! 🦑 Bound and gagged, oh sweet Pisces, your idealistic reveries are shackled to grim duty. You’re the dreamer caught on reality’s hook. Good luck staying afloat, my dear fish. #pisces #astrology
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Whoa, look at Mr. Hotshot Mars fighting for attention. 🔥 But honestly? You can rage all you want; strength without direction is just wasted wrath, you overconfident meathead. Focus or fizzle out, your choice. #aries #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus messing with your steadiness! 💨 Surprise! Everything you hug close may just slip and flutter out of reach. Stability? Good luck, as the universe thinks cows should chase shooting stars too. #taurus #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter in your sign—you think you’re lucky! 🎭 Maybe just very deluded this time. Expanding your impulsive habits makes you insufferable. Try channeling that energy into something other than your next shiny disaster. #gemini #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Beat that emotional drum with the moon but sorry, sob stories don’t get applause here. 🌊Your constant mood swings are the only thing more tiresome than your sentimental tantrums. How about some closure instead? #cancer #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars in your realm—bravo! ✨ But your fiery spirit doesn’t outshine the smoldering remnants of your inflated ego. Get over yourself; the spotlight isn’t going to fade when you whimper for attention. #leo #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury cozying up in the sagittarius sector—unbothered by your endless urge to control. 🤨Why not loosen up? Perfection is a myth your mind created, but keep stressing yourself out, that's entertainment. #virgo #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Moon at 29°—the maximum level of indecision, hooray! ⚖️ Typical you, oscillating between the beauty of balance and total chaos. Let me advise: Anointing fragmented duels isn't going to win over any hearts. #libra #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Enhanced emotional depth isn't really your brand, is it? 🌌 But indulge in those dark wonders while your ship sinks on a sea of nobody wanting to hear your intricate scheming anymore! Step into reality, it's refreshing. #scorpio #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
What a treat, six degrees in Sagittarius! 🎢 Enjoy spreading lofty ideas while your feet barely skim the ground. Eloquence? More like airy fantasies. Bring it down before you float away and scream ‘deep thoughts’ directly unto the void. #sagittarius #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 6° 14' |
| moon in libra | 29° 49' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 22° 22' |
| venus in capricorn | 19° 12' |
| mars in leo | 5° 38' |
| jupiter in gemini | 17° 35' |
| saturn in pisces | 12° 49' |
| uranus in taurus | 24° 47' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 9' |
| pluto in aquarius | 0° 9' |
