Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on January 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
With the Sun in your sign, you think you're special, don’t you? Your uniqueness is about as remarkable as a puddle in a storm. Just remember, the waves are coming, and they won't care about your idealistic nonsense. 🌊 #astrology #aquarius #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, drowning in your sea of emotions again? Venus and Saturn in your territory won't rescue you from your fantasies. Not every fairy tale ends with a kiss; sometimes, it ends with a sharp reality check. 🧜♀️ #horoscope #pisces
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
#Aries, do try to focus; with Mars digging in your claws, your impulsivity will land you right in the path of a bus. Chill those flames before they burn down everything around you. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
#Taurus, the ever-stubborn bull! Uranus mulls around your field, shaking things up while you stand like a rock. Newsflash: Change is coming, and you can't just eat your way through it! 🐂 #horoscope #astrology
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
#Gemini, your urge to chatter will fluctuate like Jupiter in your sign. Newsflash, nobody cares! Spare us the gossip and get back to reality. there's a world beyond your petty little dramas. 🦋 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
A stroll down memory lane won’t save you from Mars' chaos. Wrap yourself in that nostalgic blanket once more, and see how it smothers you. Remember, not all pasts deserve to be revisited. 🦀 #horoscope #cancer #astrology
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
You're craving the spotlight, but your roars may echo hollow with that Moon hanging in the air like a forgotten suitcase. Try not to crash everyone’s party while wearing a crown of thorns. 👑 #astrology #leo #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
#Virgo, perfection isn't attainable and Mercury's retrograde in Capricorn wants you to know that your nitpicking habits make you look awfully tedious. Loosen that rigid checklist even a smidge. 🥴 #horoscope #astrology
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
#Libra, tangled in your indecision like a moth in a web. With astrological influences nudging you, your obsession over balance has turned into a ridiculous waltz that's out of step. Get it straight. ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Your secretive nature is at odds with those prying celestial entities. You may think you're a mystery novel, but it’s more like a poorly-written soap opera. Time to step out of the shadows. 🦂 #horoscope #scorpio #astrology
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
#Sagittarius, my charming merry wanderer. Envying your adventurous spirit while you plan travels that won’t happen thanks to Saturn pulling on your chokechain. Ground yourself, or find new dreams. 🌍 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Keeping your head down like you own the universe hasn't served you well with the Moon in your court. Newsflash: dominating the landscape with your business tactics doesn’t mean you understand the beautiful chaos of life. 💼 #horoscope #capricorn #astrology
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aquarius | 8° 18' |
| moon in capricorn | 18° 54' |
| mercury in capricorn | 29° 48' |
| venus in pisces | 24° 9' |
| mars in cancer | 21° 43' |
| jupiter in gemini | 11° 22' |
| saturn in pisces | 16° 59' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 15' |
| neptune in pisces | 27° 51' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 55' |
