Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 10th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Look, Mercury and Venus are sn10ed to give you boldness in love. Too bad your lack of foresight means you'll crash & burn. 🤦♂️ This isn't a race, but you wouldn't know that! #Aries #AstrologySucks #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With Uranus shaking up the bull's rear, expect the unexpected. Hint: it's chaos, you stubborn oaf. Better keep your horn out of quicksand. 🔄 #Taurus #YouCantHideFromChange #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter graces you with curiosity, yet you're so easily distracted it’ll lead to disaster. Get your head out of the clouds, twin! Sometimes, less is more. 🚀 #Gemini #DoubleTrouble #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars pushes your mood to the brink. Emotions bubbling over? Don't unleash your inquisitional vinegar on either. You’re not that cute! 😤 #Cancer #EmotionalGrenade #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Moon is dancing in your favor for the time being. Capture your spotlight while it lasts; just remember, the sun does set. Enjoy your downfall, royal bungle! 🌚 #Leo #RegalMeltdown #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
While busy dissecting minuscule inconveniences, guess what? Life isn't perfect, and neither are you! Don't overanalyze that, genius. 📏 #Virgo #PerfectionistProblems #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Balancing on delusions of grandeur won’t help you make meaningful choices. Attempt to choose wisely; we all know how you love indecision. 😂 #Libra #DecisivelyIndecisive #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
The dark energies trading whispered secrets steer you closer down the spiral. But hey, embrace the gloom; it's truly your signature. Good luck with that! 🌌 #Scorpio #DarkAndTwisty #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Your insatiable quest for adventure collides with reality. Go ahead, ignite all your wild ideas! Just don’t trip on your way to nowhere, Archer! 📉 #Sagittarius #DreamerFail #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn exerting its weight? Be prepared for some heavy lifting! Are you actually up for this? Spoiler: it’s likely to crush your ambitions. 🏋️ #Capricorn #UnderPressure #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto still mopes across your sign and a transformative twist awaits. Don’t flatter yourself; epic fail is still an option! 💥 #Aquarius #MagneticOrMagneticMess #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
With Saturn and your ruler Neptune having tea together subtly dragging you down, your endless whining approach won't get anyone on board. Save your drama for ya mama! 🎭 #Pisces #UponSpilledDreams #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 19° 39' |
| moon in leo | 0° 32' |
| mercury in aries | 7° 35' |
| venus in aries | 9° 30' |
| mars in cancer | 18° 8' |
| jupiter in gemini | 13° 6' |
| saturn in pisces | 21° 47' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 53' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 13' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 6' |
