Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 11th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mercury slithers into your sign, quick! Try NOT to ram your way through decisions like a bull in a china shop. Some thoughts actually need contemplation. 🐏✨ #Aries #AstrologyWillNotSaveYou #ThinkBeforeYouAct #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus is shaking things up like a caffeinated bull – expect surprises! Handle it gracefully, or risk looking dumb at the next family gathering. Crying won’t save you. 🐂⚡ #Taurus #SurpriseFate #HoldYourGround #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Jupiter lays a feast before you, but slow down; crumbs on your brain won't fill enough pantry space. Stop snacking on those half-baked ideas. Eat wisely! 🍽️🌟 #Gemini #Brainfood #JupiterFeasts #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Mars ignites your sign like a moth to mediocrity – you're not a beacon! Channel that fire into something worthwhile, or sit and wallow in your tears. 🔥🦀 #Cancer #MediocreMoth #GrinAndBearIt #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
With the Moon beaming down nostalgia in your dramatic style, you’re basking in the glow of overconfidence. Remember, darling, even lions sometimes get corrected by cubs. 🦁✨ #Leo #EgotasticRealityCheck #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
The stars are aligning to tell you how deluded you’ve become, yet here you are acting superior? Just because you label it 'perfection' doesn’t seal the cracks, nitpicker. 🧐♍ #Virgo #EnoughWithTheFlaws #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
With Venus in your corner, quit flirting with indecision like it's your soulmate; take a stand or miss the bus completely. Fickle is not charming anymore. 💔⚖️ #Libra #WishyWashyCharm #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Pluto’s influence urges you to control that emotional turmoil – but do try to ruin fewer social events, will you? The darkness isn’t as glamorous as you think, honey. 🦂🖤 #Scorpio #DarkAndDramatic #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Gather 'round, oh Nomadic Archers! Jupiter suggests exploring… but maybe actual travel over half-baked debates in your slack-jawed drawing room? Stop chasing tags, find some substance! 🌍🏹 #Sagittarius #StopTheRambling #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s shadow clings to your ambitions like the sobering consequences of true adulthood. Growth is hard but stop whining; the chains are your masters now. ⛰️🐐 #Capricorn #GritItAndBearIt #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Innovative Uranus throws you unexpected curveballs! Sure, your lofty ideas seem thrilling, but a fuzzy head won't be understood. Should’ve splurged on silence despite your brilliance. ⚡🌊 #Aquarius #GiftAndCurse #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn chains your dreams tight – protect your watery soul from banalities. That flowery escape isn’t reality; real emotion walls don't dissolve back, fish. 🐟✨ #Pisces #DreamersFaceHardReality #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 20° 39' |
| moon in leo | 13° 19' |
| mercury in aries | 8° 16' |
| venus in aries | 9° 9' |
| mars in cancer | 18° 18' |
| jupiter in gemini | 13° 12' |
| saturn in pisces | 21° 55' |
| uranus in taurus | 23° 55' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 15' |
| pluto in aquarius | 3° 8' |
