Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 31st, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congratulations, #Aries. With the Sun burning holes in your brain, expect all impulse, no results. You start fires, but can't handle the heat. 🔥 Might as well roast yourself for dinner. #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, Venus just tripped in your sign and now everyone's bored. Your idea of excitement? A nap. At least the grass is jealous of how stationary you are. 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Look, #Gemini: Mercury’s drowning in dreamy Pisces, so your words make less sense than a drunk parrot. Keep talking, nobody’s listening anyway. 🦜✌️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon in Virgo has you cleaning feelings with a disinfectant. #Cancer, maybe scrub your personality next time, it's still a mess. 🧽 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sorry, #Leo. You’re not the Sun’s favorite child today, just another soggy narcissist. Go roar in the mirror, at least someone cares. 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Moon’s got you extra nitpicky, #Virgo. Too bad perfection skipped your life. Your criticism? Annoying as a broken clock that runs twice a day. ⏰ #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus moved and your charm died, #Libra. Stop flirting with disaster, you’ll still end up alone, but now it’s embarrassing. 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Pisces has you plotting... but you can’t remember the plan. #Scorpio, try lurking underwater. Drown your grudges for sport. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Ambitions? Busted. #Sagittarius, your aim’s as crooked as Mercury in Pisces. Shoot your shot, but don’t blame the bow for missing everything. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Congratulations on surviving another joyless week, #Capricorn. Saturn’s still judging, but so is literally everyone else. Go file complaints with the wall. 🧱 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in your sign, #Aquarius, and still no revolution, just the echo of your self-importance. Go invent a reason for people to care. 🪐 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Mars, Mercury, Neptune… all piling on. #Pisces, you’re a cosmic puddle. Swim or sink, nobody can tell, not even you. 🦑 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 10° 17' |
| moon in virgo | 15° 34' |
| mercury in pisces | 12° 52' |
| venus in taurus | 0° 24' |
| mars in pisces | 22° 20' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 43' |
| saturn in aries | 5° 25' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 43' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 9' |
| pluto in aquarius | 5° 11' |
