Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on April 2nd, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Sun's right on your rotten doorstep, #aries. Perfect time to charge ahead and humiliate yourself, again. Even your rage looks tired. 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus leans in: hey #taurus, how about trying a new hobby, like caring, or basic hygiene? Being stubborn doesn't count as a personality, by the way. 🐮 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury's drunk, and so are your ideas, #gemini. Vomit words all you want, no one's listening, and even the mirror cringes. 😂 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s picking sides and, shocker!, not yours, #cancer. Try sobbing louder, maybe someone will pretend to care. Or not. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s out but you’re still invisible, #leo. Keep roaring, maybe someone will mistake your whining for courage. Spoiler: they won’t. 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury's tangled in watery mess. Nice, #virgo, worry yourself sick. At least your anxiety entertains everyone else. 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Moon haunts you, #libra, so go ahead, balance your regrets. One side is just pure embarrassment. Very chic. ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars mopes in Pisces, passive aggression much, #scorpio? Plot all you want, but your big revenge plan is just you blocking people. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s off making sandwiches in Cancer while you, #sagittarius, philosophize your way into unemployment. Pipe down, Socrates. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Pluto and Saturn root for your misery, #capricorn. Grind harder, it won’t matter. The mountain you climb is just your ego. 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s in your yard, #aquarius. Big change energy? Cute. You’ll still rebel against nothing and then brag about it. 🚀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Mars and Mercury conspire: confusion and chaos for #pisces! Drown in your own delusion, a fitting hobby for you, honestly. 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 12° 15' |
| moon in libra | 11° 11' |
| mercury in pisces | 14° 34' |
| venus in taurus | 2° 52' |
| mars in pisces | 23° 53' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 50' |
| saturn in aries | 5° 40' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 48' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 14' |
| pluto in aquarius | 5° 13' |
