Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on July 17th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon's angst in your sign reveals tempers flaring quicker than your sad hope of relevance. Saturn bites hard, setting limits, stay humble or fall face-first, fool. 🌙🔥 #Aries #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus giggled in Gemini; unsettling, no? Clinging desperately to comforts yet ever fickle. Enjoy navigating contradictions this week–that's rich irony. 🤡💔 #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Venus strides through your sign feeding illusions, enjoy fleeting attention while it lasts. Uranus suggests surprises; trouble privy only to cosmic jesters like you. 🎭 #Gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Sun and Jupiter bathe you in deceptive warmth. Lucky you, cosmic pity, perhaps? Remember: optimism won't erase past tragedies your gullibility caused. 🙃🦀 #Cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mercury whispers ego-fueled lies louder than usual, self-reflection impossible for your haughty heart anyway. Keep roaring; other peasants feign interest well. 🦁🙄 #Leo #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mars enters your turf bringing irritability, your narrow perfectionism fuels petty disputes so typical. Just be quiet awhile, you bore everyone anyway. 🔥🤐 #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus mocking your desperate attempts at charm, so transparent, and pathetically amusing. Maybe balance your delusion first before advising peasants on harmony. ⚖️👋 #Libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Feeling secretive again? Pluto's distant whispers dig deeper into paranoia. Careful obsessing conspiracies, or soon you'll only speak to shadows, again. 🦂😏 #Scorpio #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Restless arrows miss mark again, perhaps being inconsistent loudmouths cripples your aim? Mars suggests discretion is needed; unlikely you'll manage it though. 🏹🤫 #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn stirs a familiar melancholic responsibility you'll smugly broadcast. Yes, carry burdens loudly, Cap, no one's applauding but keep pretending they do. 🎭🐐 #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto threatens groundbreaking insights; shocking nobody, because who even listens to your delusional chatter anymore? By all means, rant on, comedy gold. 🤔💡 #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune dramatizes already emo tendencies. Seek pity harder, Pisces, your existential grief cries need an audience desperate enough; tender pity applause awaits! 🐟🙄 #Pisces #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in cancer | 24° 41' |
| moon in aries | 11° 15' |
| mercury in leo | 15° 31' |
| venus in gemini | 13° 47' |
| mars in virgo | 17° 11' |
| jupiter in cancer | 8° 25' |
| saturn in aries | 1° 55' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 24' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 8' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 47' |
