Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 1st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
#Aries, Mars in Libra says temper your glorious battle-rage, but we both know patience isn't your virtue. Prepare for setbacks and undesired diplomacy. 😒 #PatienceHurts #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Stubborn #Taurus, Venus thrills in Leo but sadly not for you. Prepare to hate this forced spotlight on your dim existence. Smile bitterly. 😏 #ForcedCharm #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
#Gemini, Mercury in dramatic Leo heightens your noise. Congratulations, you'll irritate twice as many mortals as usual. Quiet noises torture less. 😉 #LessRambling #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Misery loves company, #Cancer. Juicy Jupiter exalted in your sign brings promises you don't deserve. Don't hope, lest disappointment ruins your precious whining. 😩 #MoodSlayer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Deluded #Leo, Venus dances in your own den, yet your ego blinds you again. Shine bright, fools adore shiny trinkets, or just suffer in peace. 🦁 #EmptyAdmiration #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Solar spotlight dims nothing of your criticizing nature #Virgo, stopping obsession is beyond stars’ influence, sadly, perfection still eludes.…🔬😤 #StillNitpicking #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Balanced #Libra, Mars irritably invading your peace-loving soul brings unwanted chaos; decisions destroy, hesitation kills. Act, or don't, but spare my time. ⚖️⚔️ #PickAStruggle #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Listen carefully #Scorpio, emotional poisons brew stronger under Sagittarius moon, tempting disaster by voicing your true feelings. Silence serves your vengeance best. 😶🌫️🦂 #SecretSchemes #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Congratulations #Sagittarius, such naïve excitement under your moon energy, too bad your arrows frequently hit your own painfully ignorant toes. Run slower. 🏹🤦 #SelfSabotage #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
#Capricorn realistically burdened as always, Saturn freshly placed in Aries bestows attempts at annoying new beginnings, failure inevitably awaits you, it's tradition. 😔 #BackToSquareOne #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Hello detached #Aquarius, Pluto creeping into your aloof sign means changes you'll pretend not to notice, understandable dramaless approach because who cares anyway? 😴 #VacantRevolutions #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Dreamy yet doomed #Pisces, Neptune restlessly charging Aries demands fiery pursuits disjointed from your comfort-zone swimming circles. Sink or flail ridiculously. 🐟😵 #TryingButHopeless #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 8° 49' |
| moon in sagittarius | 16° 55' |
| mercury in leo | 27° 2' |
| venus in leo | 7° 33' |
| mars in libra | 15° 54' |
| jupiter in cancer | 17° 52' |
| saturn in aries | 0° 1' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 27' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 21' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 46' |
