Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 2nd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars dancing over Libra, oh look, the warrior's sword feels blunt today. Can't stand up, #Aries? 🗡️ Keep your fiery tantrums in check, you'll only embarrass yourself further. #FieryFailure #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus lounging carelessly in Leo, as always spoiling your stubborn sensibilities, #Taurus. Seeking love desperately? Don't; it'll evade you like happiness evades me. 😒 #ForeverDisappointed #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury flirts from proud Leo, overstimulating your noisy mind again. #Geminis struggling to keep their mouths shut, what a surprise. Silence might spare everyone your usual drivel. 🤐 #IncessantGossip #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon fleeting Sagittarius while Jupiter wallows pathetically at home. Emotional breakdown imminent, #Cancer. Use someone else's shoulder...mine's busy holding cursed prophecies. 🤷 #DramaQueenAlert #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mercury & Venus stroking your mane once more, inflating your colossal ego further. Narcissistic much, #Leo? Enjoy your delusions, reality won't tolerate royalty for long. 👑 #BoundToFall #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sun visits your precise halls. How delightful! You've binding criticisms for everyone, #Virgo, but yours learns accuracy painfully between flawed stars and crying failures. 🌞 #PerfectionistHell #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Pathetic Mars tramples your delicate scales, oh such distress, #Libra! Fairness is an illusion even for you. Better tip random tables; missing banquet guests again anyways. ⚖️ #OffBalanceMuch #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
No planetary pity offered for gloom meister #Scorpio today. Keep glaring in suspicion; your enemies conspire openly and openly care less about you. Obvious paranoia bores me anyway. 🦂 #SuspicionOverload #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon swiftly abandons your fiery partying ways, #Sagittarius, leaving you hungover & wand'ring aimlessly yet once again. Please stumble elsewhere, I lack sympathy. 🌘 #LostCause #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
There's no heavenly encouragement for your dreary ambitions today, #Capricorn. Strive harder uphill, the stars literally could care less where your sacrifices land. 🐐 #StillClimbingButWhy #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto sits dramatically alone in #Aquarius, slowly changing your bleak existence. Evolve if you dare; as if other options mattered when life's laughably random 🚫 #FateLaughsLast #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn about to exit your drowning pools of illusion. Despair not, #Pisces, rest assured reality awaits ominously to shatter comfy daydreams backward. Sleeping beauty, your doom summons! 🐟 #RudeAwakenings #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 9° 47' |
| moon in sagittarius | 29° 6' |
| mercury in leo | 28° 56' |
| venus in leo | 8° 45' |
| mars in libra | 16° 33' |
| jupiter in cancer | 18° 3' |
| saturn in pisces | 29° 57' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 27' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 20' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 45' |
