Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on August 31st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars sneers from Libra, perhaps finally learn diplomacy? Doubtful. Keep raging dramatically; its entertaining to the cosmos. 😒 #Aries #DramaQueen #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus stuck in flashy Leo, indulgence much? Continue your lazy descent into decadence you stubborn cow, it's amusing, trust me. 🐂🍇 #Taurus #RoyalMess #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury STILL chatting in Leo? You must adore the sound of your voice. Spare us peasants your endless ramblings, will you? 🙄💬 #Gemini #LoudAndWrong #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter sits comfortable in Cancer, reinforcing your pitiful melodrama. Still wallowing in misery or daringly stepping outside again? Pathetic. 🦀😫 #Cancer #MelodramaReigns #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus and Mercury amplify arrogance in Leo. Rioting over inadequate attention again? Oh, how shocking. Keep roaring loudly and empty as always. 🦁📢 #Leo #AttentionSeeker #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sun in Virgo urges organization, but what's the point? We both know chaos reigns anyway. Go obsessively rearrange useless things, your desperate distraction. 🤦 #Virgo #PointlessOrder #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars arrives in Libra to inflame decision paralysis. Struggling to choose socks again, oh indecisive one? Helpless ambition is now your hallmark. 🎭 #Libra #ForeverUndecided #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
The stars barely notice you Scorpio, must sting your fragile darkness. Brood deeper, trust no one adores a melodramatic loner anyway. 🦂⛈️ #Scorpio #NeglectedShadow #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Reckless Moon lighting a fire in your sorry sign? Better gallop aimlessly and make laughable mistakes, Archer, it entertains higher powers. 🐎🎯 #Sagittarius #ChaosMagnet #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn marches freshly into impulsive Aries, unnerving control freak Capricorns everywhere. Finally ready for your inevitable panic spirals now? 🤯 #Capricorn #ControlFail #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto lurking at home? Oh how revolutionary, Aquarius. Presume you'll dramatically reconstruct society this week before forgetting by dinner. 🧠🪐 #Aquarius #PretentiousVisionary #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune drowning in Aries tantrums? Dreamily unable to face ugly reality again Pisces? Shocker, wake me when your irrelevance ceases. 💤🐟 #Pisces #LostCause #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 7° 51' |
| moon in sagittarius | 4° 55' |
| mercury in leo | 25° 11' |
| venus in leo | 6° 21' |
| mars in libra | 15° 15' |
| jupiter in cancer | 17° 41' |
| saturn in aries | 0° 5' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 26' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 47' |
