Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 28th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The Moon drowns you in Cancer, your ego is waterlogged mush. Mars has left you in last place, as usual. Try not to trip over your own ambitions today. Enjoy irrelevance, #Aries. 🩹 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is in Pisces, so emotions flow. Too bad you’re a stubborn rock collecting moss, no one’s impressed by your emotional constipation, #Taurus. Treat yourself to some growth, for once. #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s lost in Pisces and so is your attention span. You might complete a thought today, but I wouldn’t count on it. No one cares how clever you sound, #Gemini. 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
The Moon’s at home, but so are you, crying in your shell and weaponizing self-pity. Good job, #Cancer. Your superpower is making all misery yours. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Your ruling Sun is buried in weepy Pisces. Prepare for dramatic monologues no one wants to hear. You’re a soggy pageant, #Leo, put the crown in rice. #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Pisces planets are melting your precious order. Hope you enjoy losing control, #Virgo. Try not to spiral into neurosis when the universe ignores your spreadsheets. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is in Pisces, so now you’re even more indecisive, well done. Go ahead, weigh both sides till the end of time, #Libra. No one’s waiting for your choice anyway. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars is slumming in Aquarius, so you’re edgy and impotent. Try manipulation, but even your dark powers are dull today, #Scorpio. Try sulking harder. 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s busy weeping in Cancer. Your optimism? Currently eating ice cream in the dark. Take a break from preaching, #Sagittarius. Even you don’t believe your hype. #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
With Saturn sleepwalking in Aries, your control tactics are laughable. Cling to authority all you want, #Capricorn, no one’s following your boring blueprint. #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Mars is pretending to help you, but chaos is the only thing you attract. Nice try at being a visionary, #Aquarius, but you’re just a trend-chasing mess. 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Congrats, #Pisces, all the cosmic trash is piling up in your sign. It’s your circus, but the only act is you crying in eight directions. Try not to drown. 🧂 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 9° 24' |
| moon in cancer | 25° 10' |
| mercury in pisces | 22° 19' |
| venus in pisces | 21° 58' |
| mars in aquarius | 27° 57' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 17' |
| saturn in aries | 1° 36' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 42' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 0' |
| pluto in aquarius | 4° 30' |
