Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 25th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #Aries, you’re a headless chicken on rocket fuel. Venus slaps you silly, Saturn grinds your soul, and the Moon laughs at your hot mess. Go charge into traffic, call it personal growth. 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, Uranus is passing gas in your sign and Venus is flirting with losers. You’ll cling to comfort while everything you touch turns to trash. Enjoy nibbling your feelings, you doormat. #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon’s fully drunk in your sign, #Gemini, so your brain’s a ping-pong ball on bath salts. Try saying something useful for once, oh wait, you can’t. Maybe learn sign language for ‘I’m lost’ 🌀. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
#Cancer, your guardian Jupiter's on vacation, so Mercury and Mars make you a weepy snail with anger issues. Hide in your shell and cry, nobody misses you at the party anyway. #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus ignores you, Sun forgets you, and the Moon only calls to laugh. Must sting, #Leo. None of your drama stands out when Mars is busy making everyone else louder. Cry harder, maybe someone will care. 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Obsess about crumbs, #Virgo, because Mercury in Pisces just stuffed your logic in a blender. Even your ‘solutions’ are problems now, but sure, keep alphabetizing your regrets. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars is bored of your fence-sitting, #Libra. Venus doesn’t even check your texts. Try choosing something. Anything. Or just keep floating in indecision like a decorative corpse. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
#Scorpio, Mars in Pisces makes you less stinger, more soggy mop. Bottling feelings? More like leaking all over everyone. Your power? About as sharp as a pool noodle. #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s homesick and Mars thinks your ‘adventures’ are cringe. #Sagittarius, you’ll try to run, trip, and end up lost in your own back yard. Take a nap, you’re not that important. #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s busy babysitting Aries, so all your hard work means nothing, #Capricorn. Climb your little mountain of failure and wave from the summit of mediocrity. 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s lurking in your airy attic, #Aquarius, and all you get is fresh existential dread. Rebel all you want, nobody cares. Enjoy obscurity, trendsetter. #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Mars and Mercury tag-team your sign, #Pisces, turning you into a hyper-emotional meme. Swim in circles, chase your own tail, cry about it online. That’s your forecast. 🎣 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 4° 21' |
| moon in gemini | 23° 45' |
| mercury in pisces | 9° 18' |
| venus in aries | 23° 0' |
| mars in pisces | 17° 37' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 23' |
| saturn in aries | 4° 40' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 28' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 56' |
| pluto in aquarius | 5° 5' |
