Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on March 28th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The Sun is shining on your ego, again. Congrats on being the human embodiment of a headbutt. Try not to injure anyone else today, #Aries. 🦏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus weeps for your taste, Taurus. Still hoarding useless junk and calling it ‘curating’? It’s clutter, like your spirit. #Taurus 💸 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury stumbles in Pisces, so your words are soup and your logic is missing. Ramble on, Gemini, no one’s listening anyway. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
The Moon roars in Leo but you’re just a soggy crab pretending to be king. Hug yourself, Cancer, nobody else will bother. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
With Moon in Leo, your drama’s hitting new highs. Yes, you’re the main character, Leo, the main reason everyone left early. #Leo 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mars and Mercury in Pisces means your plans dissolve faster than your resolve. Micro-manage that, Virgo. #Virgo 🕳️ #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is in Aries, so love’s a battlefield and your charm’s a blunt instrument. Hope you’ve got bail money, Libra. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Pisces and Pluto’s bored means your scheming is laughable today. Plot all you want, Scorpio, no one’s scared. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s in Cancer and you’re philosophizing between bites. Stuff your face, Sagittarius, wisdom isn’t coming. #Sagittarius 🍕 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Pluto in Aquarius gnaws at your power trip dreams. Build your empire, Capricorn, on quicksand, as usual. #Capricorn 🏰 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s camping out in your sign but no, Aquarius, you’re not starting a revolution. You can’t even start your laundry. #Aquarius 🧺 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Mercury and Mars collide in your sign, Pisces. Prepare for confused rage: sobbing AND yelling, a double feature. #Pisces 🎣 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aries | 7° 19' |
| moon in leo | 5° 36' |
| mercury in pisces | 10° 47' |
| venus in aries | 26° 42' |
| mars in pisces | 19° 59' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 32' |
| saturn in aries | 5° 2' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 35' |
| neptune in aries | 2° 3' |
| pluto in aquarius | 5° 8' |
