Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on August 25th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars in Libra? Pathetic balance-seeking does not suit you, #Aries. Prepare for indecision & misplaced aggression. Good luck, or don't. ⚔️ #AstroFail #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus teeters at Cancer's edge, tempting emotional meltdowns for clueless bulls like you. Keep your sentimental whining private, #Taurus. 💔🤦♂️ #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Your patron Mercury in flashy Leo screams for attention. Typical #Gemini: all style, zero substance. Better to zip it before humiliation ensues. 🦜🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Venus in your sign is fleeting illusion; Jupiter won't save you from emotional sabotage. Hope you enjoy drowning in regret, #Cancer. 🦀🥀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun enters Virgo, grinding flamboyant #Leo into dull, mindless routine inherited from peasants. Guess fame won't be kissing your hand today. 👑🚫 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Your birthday month & truly, you're still utterly hopeless. Moon at 22° means emotional complaining at peak efficiency. Surprise, surprise #Virgo. 🤷♂️🔙 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars gifting you aggression is wasted here, stale indecision again? Shocking, #Libra. Aren't you tired of panicking over trivial choices? 🤔♎ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in sleepy Libra? Even your shady tactics lack venom today. Prayers to Pluto won't save your fading reputation, #Scorpio. 🥱🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Wandering fool: no celestial body aids your idle adventures now. Maybe reality's cruelties finally set their sights on optimistic #Sagittarius? 🎯⚠️ #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Planning long-term ambitions? With Saturn fumbling in Aries' chaos, even disciplined #Capricorn descends to rash stupidity. How amusing! 🐐🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto encroach upon mighty #Aquarius? You have 2 options, evolve swiftly or crumble humiliatingly. Would say I care, but I'm exhausted by lies.⚡🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Feeling escaped from harsh tasks? Divinity evades Neptunian delusion in charged Aries; snap out of dreams, #Pisces, reality awaits gratuitous laughs. 🎏😴 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 2° 4' |
| moon in virgo | 22° 39' |
| mercury in leo | 15° 2' |
| venus in cancer | 29° 10' |
| mars in libra | 11° 23' |
| jupiter in cancer | 16° 34' |
| saturn in aries | 0° 29' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 24' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 31' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 54' |
